wtf

A few weekends ago (Labor Day Weekend), I experienced the most bizarre sequence of events…

Friday, “the racist” texted me to ask what I was up to for the holiday. I honestly had no desire to see him again, but I figured I’d give him one more chance. I told him that I didn’t have any plans, and asked him the same question…and he never responded back.

Ok, no big deal.

Then the next day at around 3pm he texts me:

“I’m on my way to Brooklyn for the Guinness festival. I’ll drink plenty of beer in your honor”

Huh?

First of all, I’m not dead. You don’t have to drink in my honor or poor some out for the homies. Second, why would you even bother letting me know you are going to be in my area if you aren’t going to invite me to hang out? Why bother even reaching out?

Considering the fact that I was already pretty over this dude based on his ignorant comments the week before, I didn’t bother responding to his text. I was done.

Later that night, my friend and I decided to head to a bar in Williamsburg for a little change of pace.

It was pretty dead so we decided to leave after a couple of drinks.

We were waiting on the G train platform when this guy walks by and checks my friend out. He was clearly intoxicated, so we paid him no mind. Then he stumbles back and tells my friend, in a very thick Russian accent, how beautiful he thinks she is. Then he call her his Mexican Princess.

She’s Salvadoran.

She tells him she’s not Mexican and he then continues to guess what nationality she is. After about 5 guesses he gives up, then starts to sing a song to her in Spanish.

I’m talking full verses, a chorus and a hook.

The train finally came and we ended up ditching him.

I had to transfer to another train to get home. As I’m waiting on the platform, a man who looked like he might have been homeless approached me. Here was the conversation:

Him: Do you smoke weed?

Me: Nope.

Him: Oh my God, your nose ring is gorgeous!

Me: Thanks.

Him: I think I just fell in love with you.

Me: Ok.

Him: What’s your name?

Me: Amber

Him: Ooh did you ever watch Clueless.

Me: Yep.

Him: I used to love her! (referring to the woman who played “Amber” in the movie)

Me: Oh ok.

Him: No..but really. I mean…I used to (imitates jerking off) looooove her.

Me: Oh. Wow. Ok.

Him: Like…I used to be a squirter for her.

Me: Awesome.

Him: So are you single?

Me: Nope.

Him: Do you have any friends that look like you?

Me: Nope.

Him: Oh..do you drink? Me and You and Your friends should all hang out. And I can be a squirter for your friends.

Me: Nope. I think I’m good. No thanks. Have a nice night though.

Him: OK.

He then walked up to another man on the platform and asked him if HE smoked weed.

Jump to 2:30am

I get another text from the racist: “you been drinking watermelon?!”

For those of you who don’t know, these are lyrics to a very popular Beyoncé song. The theory is that when she says “I’ve been drinking…watermelon…” she’s talking about swallowing.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I tried to word it in classier terms, but really…how can you make swallowing sound classy?

Of course i was immediately offended, and responded “Excuse me?!”

And again…no response.

Then I figured, you know what? He’s probably drunk and maybe…just maybe…he didn’t mean it that way. There are still a lot of people who don’t even know what that lyric is supposed to mean.

Then the next afternoon he responds to my “excuse me” text:

Him: They’re the lyrics to a Beyoncé song.

Me: Yeah, I know they are. Do you know what they mean??

Him: My friends told me an interpretation which I found amusing.

Me: (back to being offended because he knew exactly what he was implying with that line) Probably not something you want to text a woman. EVER.

Him: Let me guess, you didn’t like that.

Me: Not at all.

Him: Lol. ok.

??

LOL, OK? I can’t with this guy. Not only did he say that he doesn’t trust white people (strike 1) then basically tells me he’s going to be in my area but doesn’t want to hang out (strike 2), he now just asked me if I’d been swallowing that weekend (strike 3).

I’M SO DONE.

So of course, I don’t respond to him.

Then….

Him: Do something fun yesterday?

Me: ::Crickets::

Him: Well, I guess you’re upset. Enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend. I’m sure I’ll see you at (insert the bar where we met) next summer! 😉

Me: ::still Crickets::

 

 

 

Dick Pics

I found this Gem on Huffington Post today, and it’s definitely worth 3:46 minutes of your time. 

One of my biggest pet peeves is when a man asks me to ‘send them a pic,’ especially when I just met them. I don’t send pictures of myself via text,or over internet in general, and this is why.

Just as bad as being asked for pictures…is getting unsolicited photos sent to me. Luckily, I’ve never gotten and ‘dick pics’ sent to me, just random Selfies (side note: Selfies are very rarely a good look for a man. Like almost never), but I think I’m in the minority. Most women I know have received at least one dick pic, and I can’t help but wonder what the hell is going through these men’s minds when they send it.

Do they think we find it sexy? (in all fairness – I’m sure some women do)

Do they think that if they send us theirs, we’ll send them ours? (doubtful, but I guess it’s worth a shot)

Do they think that their dick is so beautiful and magnificent that it needs to be shared with the world, one stranger at a time? (it’s probably not)

While I can’t get into a man’s mind to find out what they are thinking as they snap, attach, and send these dick pics – this video is pretty spot on in covering all the things that go through a woman’s mind when she receives them. 

You can find the full Huffington Post article here.

 

#5

I met date #5 on you guessed it…Tinder.

It was hard to get a great idea of what he looked like, because he only had one picture of his full face. The rest were action shots that only showed part of his face….him playing pool or laughing on the floor, etc etc.

Usually, I turn those profiles down immediately. But I think the pressure to go on 30 dates with only 27 more weeks left had me a little less ‘picky.’

We talked a little bit before agreeing to meet up after work one night. Again – I typically like to message back and forth a little longer before I meet up with someone. Mainly because if I can’t hold a conversation with you via messages, there’s no way we’d have a good conversation in person.

But again – I went against my norm…

Bad idea.

Besides the fact that he looked NOTHING like his picture…there was nothing really ‘wrong’ with this guy. He wasn’t crazy, or mean, or obnoxious. He didn’t call me fat or try to lift me…

He was just….boring. Incredibly, painfully, boring.

And when he spoke, he reminded me of Dave Chappelle when he plays a white guy. Here is an example in case you’ve never seen it. Skip to around :20 in…

I lasted a little over an hour before I had to get out of there. I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual because I haven’t heard from him since, and that was over a week ago.

From now on I’m sticking with my original “rules”….if the guy only has ONE clear picture – decline. And do not agree to meet up and potentially waste your time until you’ve had a decent back and forth with him.

Lesson learned.

#4

I met up with the guy from date #3 the day after our first date, so I could help him put together an amazing Sho’Nuff costume for Halloween. I’m going to consider this my date #4.

We met up at a shopping center near me, and spent hours looking for pieces to make up the costume, and then afterwards I we spent another hour or so cutting, glueing, and putting the costume together.

The day went relatively well – no glaring warning signs or absurd comments that usually go on with my dates. But there are a couple of things that I noticed and will be keeping an eye on:

1. He’s very very touchy. Like always wanting to hold my hand, and hug on me, and kiss me while we’re waiting to cross the street. I’m not a big fan of that. Especially since I had JUST met him the night before…

Too soon

2. He seems like a bit of a partier. In fact, the party we were getting the costume together for was a day party, that would go all night. Honestly, I can’t hang like that anymore…but to each his own. The only thing that really bothered me about the partying aspect was when he used the phrase “turnt up” when referring to the party. (yes turnT, not turned). For those of you who don’t know what the phrase means, here are a few definitions from the urban dictionary:

The act of going crazy at a party;Wanting go to a party for an awesome time!
Lily:That part was so sick last night! 
Julia:Yeah we were so turnt up! Lol
to get drunk or to get excited about something.
let’s go get a bottle and get turn’t up tonight…
drunk, wasted or otherwise impaired
I never go to Denny’s past 2am unless I am turnt up
You get the picture.
Anyway, I hate that phrase. But I wasn’t sure if he was using the phrase, himself, OR if that was the name of the party. So I asked for clarification and he said “You don’t know what turnt up means? You’ve never heard of that phrase before?
Oh, no, I know what it means. I’m just trying to figure out if that’s the name of the party or if you’re actually using that phrase in a conversation right now.
He laughed and said “No, it’s not the name of the party, that’s just what happens at the bar where the party is being thrown.”
Ooh I see….I don’t turn up.
He laughed and said “oh no, you don’t turn up?”
“Nope. I turn way down”
We both laughed a little and moved on.
Again, no major red flags. But I can’t say that I was sad when our day was over. We’ll see what happens.
OH…and his costume came out amazing by the way.

#3

I met date #3 on Tinder. We ‘matched’ over a month ago, but after exchanging hellos, we stopped messaging each others. Then last week he randomly reached out again and we started up a conversation. We messaged back and forth for a few days before exchanging numbers and eventually setting up a date.

We live relatively close to each other, so I picked a place that was between the two of us. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that the place I chose wasn’t open on Mondays…oops. Luckily, the bar two doors down was open, so we went in there to grab a drink. 

We started talking about our families, and I mentioned that my Uncle was an amazing cook, and joked that my friends often fall in love with him because is food is so delicious. To which he replied “I hope I get to meet him one day.”

It’s been less than a half hour and he’s talking about meeting my family? I thought it was a little strange, but I didn’t really look too much into it.

Then we were talking about Brooklyn and how he never goes out here because he works in Manhattan and all his friends live in Manhattan. So I asked him why he doesn’t just move to Manhattan? He said “well, my lease is up in November, so we’ll see what happens. We’ll see how this date goes…”

Again…I thought that was a little strange. Not sure what our date has to do with where he lives in less than a month, but again – I didn’t really over analyze it.

He was a little hungry, so after we finished our first drink we went to another place to grab some food and he refused to let me put in money for the cab ride there. He’s already one step ahead of most of the guys I’ve dated recently.

We shared a few appetizers, had a few more drinks and laughed – a lot. He told me that his friend was having a Halloween Party with a “Villain” theme, and that he wanted to go as Sho’Nuff from The Last Dragon and I almost lost it. I explained to him that I was planning on going as Sho’Nuff a few years ago, but couldn’t get the whole costume together. (If you don’t know who Sho’Nuff is, or never heard of The Last Dragon…look it up immediately. You can thank me later).

“I even bought ‘the glow’! I’ve never been able to use it though, you should borrow it for your costume”

” I don’t even know where to start with the costume. I’m not really big on Halloween to be honest.”

“Oh my god, Halloween is like my Christmas. You can totally put that costume together.”

“You have to help me then!”

I agreed to go to the costume store with him the next day after work, and we thought of ideas on how to make the costume as authentic as possible.

Then at some point he said something really funny (I can’t remember what). I have this thing that I do a lot…if someone says something funny while I’m drinking, I spit out my drink. I’m not talking a little drool or dribble…I’m talking full on, movie quality, projectile spray.

And that’s exactly what happened this time…with a mouth full of red wine…and it got all over EVERYTHING, including his new shirt.

I.Was.Mortified.

Luckily, he was really good about it. In fact, we were both laughing so hard we couldn’t speak for a few minutes. I apologized, profusely, and he said “well…this WAS a new shirt…” before assuring me that it was no big deal. 

When we were finished with our food, we went to another bar for one more drink before I had to call it a night so I could wake up for work in the morning. By then it was around 12:30 (still early for NYC standards) but he refused to let me take a train or bus home by myself. Instead, he hailed a cab and rode it home with me. When we pulled up to my apartment he paid the driver (I tried to pay and he wasn’t having it), walked me to my door and then took the bus back to his apartment.

He kissed me goodnight, and not once tried to come upstairs or made me feel uncomfortable.

 

And that, gentlemen, is how you ‘take a girl out’.

 

I couldn’t wait to help him with his costume the next day….

#2

A few weeks ago, I went to one of my new favorite bars in my area with a couple of friends. We were sitting on the back deck area watching a funny video online that my friend had never seen (it was a pretty slow night) when these two guys came up and asked if they could sit with us. Considering the fact that, as I just mentioned, it was a slow night, and the fact that one of the guys had already sat down, we let them sit with us.

They both ended up being pretty cool guys and we hung out with them for about an hour before they had to go. The guy that sat next to me was pretty cute, so when he asked for my number I figured ‘sure, why not?’

As they were heading out we all stood up to give friendly hugs goodbye, and as I stood up the guy I gave my number to looked up at me and said “wow, you’re tall.”

I’m 5’2 1/2″…5’3″ on a good day.

That is the first time ANYONE has told me I was tall. Ever. And I’ve definitely never heard that come out of a man’s mouth before. But I was a little tipsy, so I ignored the comment.

The next day, he reached out and asked if I wanted to come to his place…he wanted to cook me dinner. I told him that I wasn’t comfortable going to a relative stranger’s house (call me old fashioned) but that I’d be happy to meet up for a drink in a public place.

He agreed.

So we decided on a place in our area.

It took a little longer to get there than I thought, mainly because I was looking for the place for a good 5 minutes before I realized I was on the wrong street (don’t judge me). I called him to tell him I was running a little late, and he said he was ’10 minutes away.

20 minutes later he showed up. And he was shorter than I remembered. I’m SO glad I wore flat boots.

We sat at the bar, ordered some drinks and started talking. The conversation went really well – lots of laughs, etc. – with the exception of a few things:

1. He acted like he was  so tight with the bartender, and the bartender acted like he barely knew him.

2. He got distracted – a lot. Once he asked a woman about her ring mid-conversation (he’s a jewelry designer – not an excuse but just to give some background). Once he interrupted me mid-sentence because he saw a woman he swore he saw walking down the street the day before. He then proceeded to have a conversation with said woman, and asked me to put her number in her phone incase we (him and I) wanted to meet up with her friends later.

3. His phone rang 3 times in a row from the same number. He had the phone sitting face up on the bar, so of course I glanced at it every time it rang. And each time it was the same woman’s name. On the 3rd ring, he said “I’m sorry I have to take this” and went outside to answer.

4. He grabbed my arm while we were talking and noticed that they were pretty toned. He then asked me, what do you weigh? About 158? (I don’t know what it is with guys asking me my weight. See previous post, Heavy Lifter). Considering the fact that I’m pretty short and small framed, AND had just recently lost 10 lbs, I was really offended by the 158 question.

Are you serious? You think I weigh 158??

Well I don’t know, you’re really toned and I know muscle weighs more than fat so…

No, I don’t weigh 158. How much do YOU weigh??

I’m 158.

You think I weigh as much as you??? (In hindsight – considering this guy was about my height and probably a few jeans sizes LESS than me, that might make sense).

I don’t know I’m not good at guessing weight.

No. I weigh 130. But thanks. *guzzles wine*

After he payed for the bill (yes, he did at least do that right) we walked to a lounge near by. I had nothing else to do with my night, and I was tipsy enough that I was OK with another couple of hours with this dude.

On our way, he stopped at a corner store to grab a red bull, and bought me one.

No thanks, I don’t drink Red Bull. It gives me heart palpitations.

Red Bull gives everyone heart palpitations, isn’t that the point?

Well, I’m not a fan. And my Mom had to get surgery to correct an issue she had with recurring heart palpitations so I try to just avoid it if I can. Also, I think Red Bull tastes like shit.

I handed it back to him, thinking he would just throw it out, but instead he chugged the one he had, opened the one I gave him, and chugged that one. Gross.

We got to the lounge, and it was very loud and very packed. After we grabbed our drinks (him: one shot and one whiskey drink. Me: one glass of red wine), we made our way through the crowd to find a seat. As he tried to get past one (tall-ish) woman, he lightly tapped her to let her know he was coming past to the left of her. She turned and literally jumped when she looked down and saw him at shoulder level. She then turned and laughed with one of her friends.

Hopefully he didn’t notice, but I was mortified for him.

The rest of the night went alright. We had a couple drinks, dance a bit. Then it got too crowded and I started to get tired, so we headed out.

On our way home ( we live near each other) he stopped at the corner store and grabbed ANOTHER Red Bull. Then he took off his blazer and draped it around my shoulders after I had JUST commented on how nice it was outside. I told him I wasn’t cold, took off the blazer and handed it to him. Then he said “can you hold it for me?”

Uh..OK. I figured he just meant hold it while he was opening his Red Bull. But no…he had me holding that damn thing far after he was finished with his drink. Eventually I got a little annoyed and said “here I don’t want to hold your jacket anymore.”

We got to my apartment and he asked if I lived with a roommate.

No. I live alone

How’s that working out for you?

It’s great, I love it.

Can I come up and see your place?

Nope.

Why not? Just because I come up, doesn’t mean we have to have sex.

Oh well we’re definitely not having sex. That’s 100% not happening. But you’re not coming up either.

Why not?

Because there’s no need for you to come up to my apartment at 2:30 in the morning.

He left it alone.

Then he started squeezing my forearm, so I asked him what he was doing.

You have really big forearms.

What??! No I don’t. I have small arms.

No you don’t! Look (he puts his arm over mine) your forearms eclipse mine.

Are you serious? First of all, as a man you should NEVER, EVER point out that a woman has bigger arms than you. Not only do you risk the chance of making the woman feel bad, but more importantly you unknowingly emasculate yourself. This guy is already miniature. Pointing out that he could have potentially shopped at the Baby Gap was probably not his best move.

Then he went on about how beautiful he thought I was (still not coming up to my apartment, buddy) and asked me I thought my best physical feature was.

I don’t know. Maybe my legs…no my smile. People like my smile I’ll go with that.

Then he asked me to smile.

No. I’ve laughed enough times tonight for you to see my smile.

Then he made a big production at looking at my legs (I was wearing a skirt).

Ehh…they’re legs. And a lot of people have nice smiles. I think your best physical feature is these lines you get near your mouth when you smile. They’re not because you have high cheekbones. They’re just a part of your face. Not everyone has that. I think that’s your best physical feature.

What?!

So you ask me to tell you what I like about myself. Then when I tell you, you say…no you’re wrong, those things suck. I really like the lines in your face.

I can’t. Goodbye.

Oh…and I decided to Google him a couple of days later, and found a wordpress blog post about him. Apparently he lied. He said that he’s been here for less than a year when according to the blog (and his LinkedIn profile) he’s really been here over 2 years. Also, that number that was calling…that he eventually left our ‘date’ to answer? Yeah…it was the same name as a woman mentioned in the post, described as his “long-time girlfriend and future fiance.

Loser.

#1

A few months ago, my friend convinced me to try Tinder, a new dating app she had just downloaded. I had recently given up on the whole ‘online dating’ thing (too many weirdos), but she eventually managed to convince me to give it a shot.

It was surprisingly addicting! For those of you who don’t know about it, the app links to your facebook profile, accessing only your age, first name, interests, friends, and up to 5 profile pictures of your choosing. You set your gender, age, and distance preferences and then the app matches you with people based on those settings. All you get is a picture(s) of the person, along with their age, any matching interests, and any friends that you may have in common.

No long profiles to fill out or personality questions to ask. Either you’re attracted to the person or you’re not. If yes, then you swipe their picture to the right. If you’re not, swipe left.

If you like someone and they like you back, then you have a match and you can message each other.

So, I downloaded the app and started messaging back and forth with one of my matches by the end of the day. I was on the fence about some of his pictures, but he seemed really nice, and he was incredibly funny so we ended up exchanging numbers and eventually graduated to texting each other before deciding to meet up the following weekend.

He worked a lot of overnights, so we decided to meet up at noon for coffee at a cafe in my area.

He was much better looking in person and SO funny! We sat at the coffee shop for at least an hour talking and making jokes. Our senses of humor matched up perfectly.

He mentioned a donut shop a few blocks down the road that was supposed to have the most amazing donuts in Brooklyn, and when I told him that I had never been there, he demanded suggested that we go there immediately.

The donuts were amazing!

We each got one and went across the street and sat on a bench in the park to eat and talk.

By the time we finished, a few hours had gone by and he had to get to work. The goodbye was really awkward. We both said we had fun, and said we should hang out again after my surgery (this was right before surgery #2). And then he kind of just stared at me…and then offered his hand out for me to shake.

Super Awkward.

The day went great, and we got along really well, but to be honest I kind of got more of a friend vibe from him. I was still interested in meeting up with him again, but I wasn’t DYING to meet up with him again.

We kept in touch for a few weeks, and then slowly started to reach out to each other less and less. I sent him a text message after I was off my crutches to let him know I was off the crutches and able to meet up if he wanted to hang out. We exchanged a couple of texts that day…but I haven’t heard from him since.

We’ll see what happens, but I’m not banking on running into him again.

the freaks come out online

I joined a free online dating site a few months ago. Since I wasn’t having any luck meeting men the old fashioned way (bars, libraries, cafe’s, street corners) I decided to give the virtual dating world a try.

Also I promised my friends I’d do it if I didn’t get a date by the end of the summer…sigh.

Now, almost 6 months later, my love life is still non-existent, but I do have an inbox full of funny (and sometimes scary) messages, and a growing number of interesting first date stories. Of course I have zero second date stories…but I’m working on it.

Here are some of my favorite messages thus far…

 

Hey what’s up I’m looking for some one with they head right I’n my area that I can spend some time with get our head right together if that’s you hit me up boo
I’m pretty sure this guy pronounces area, ERRrea. Just  a hunch.
is curiosity to see a gf with another guy really that abnormal?… just started doubting myself and wanted your opinion
Ummm…..???
Would you like to be my open ended friend?
I don’t even know what that means.
Hello, you are very beautiful and if I was a rich man, I would buy you a pearl necklace. But I’m not, so all I have to offer you is my charming personality. Now to tell you a little about myself. My name is L***. I am a 32 yr. old retired artist/writer who is just trying to find his way in the world. I am a modern old fashioned man trapped in old fashioned modern world. I try to make sense to people with no sense in a nonsense world, but with no luck what I say doesn’t make sense to people with no sense who rather believe in nonsense, if that make sense to you. I’m a non-believer and an overachiever, who believes he has yet to achieve what I believe that I can achieve, if you can believe. Let’s talk sometime, get to know each other and stuff like that.
A 32 year old retired artist / writer?? C’mon dude, you’re unemployed. Let’s just be real. And Pearls? Really? If you were a rich man, I’d hope you’d at least offer to buy me diamonds.
 
December 20, 2012: Would you like to fall in love with me?
January 25, 2013: I love you
No thank you. And yes, these are both from the same person.