[Don’t] Google It

I met a Man this weekend who seems really nice and, dare I say…normal. He’s 37, he has a job, and he doesn’t have any children.

Naturally, I’m skeptical. And I had the thought (numerous thoughts, numerous times over the past few days, actually) to Google him. But so far, I haven’t, and here’s why.

I think that Googling a person can ruin things before they even start.

There are usually two reasons why you Google someone.

  1. You’re digging for some dirt.
  2. You’re just being nosy and taking advantage of the information that is readily at your fingertips.

Both are totally understandable, and I have Googled people for either one or both of those reasons before. But I don’t think it’s a good habit to get into, and it’s one that I’m trying to break.

First, if you’re digging for some dirt, you’re already distrusting them. Unless the person has done something shady to give you a reason to question them (like this, or this), you have no reason to search for dirt. Especially if you haven’t even been on a real date with the person yet. If you are that distrusting of them before you’ve even dated them, you probably shouldn’t have given them your number in the first place. 

If you’re just being nosey and seeing what information you can find, you’re taking away from the fun of the date. Isn’t that the point of going out with someone? To get to know them? If you find out all or most of the information on your own, you then have to sit through an evening of information you already know but have to pretend NOT to know so you don’t look like a stalker.

I think it can be more work than it’s worth.

Virtual Reality

I never made it to 30 dates.

Sigh.

I got 1/3 of the way there, which counts for something I guess.

 

I did meet a guy at a Fourth of July party this past weekend who seemed really nice. We exchanged numbers but I have yet to hear from him.

I did, however, just receive a Facebook friend request from him.

I want to first say that I’m keeping an open mind, and this in no way means that he’s out of the running.

So to all of my friends/family who are reading this and already drafting a text or email chastising me for being too picky – hear me out before you get all judgey.

BUT…

The fact that he went out of his way to find me on Facebook and has yet to (at the very least) text me, makes me feel a certain way. He asked me at least three times if he could call me/take me out or some variation of that, but instead of actually using my number he took the time to search through friends of friends to find me on Facebook.

It takes a while…trust me – I looked for his profile as well. I couldn’t remember exactly what he looked like so I went searching for pictures. But I didn’t friend request him. I also wasn’t the one who made such a big deal about calling and hanging out.

I guess it just speaks to the state of communication these days.  You have my phone number…the most direct way to contact me. I’m willing to bet half of my ‘friends’ on Facebook don’t even have my phone number. Instead of using that number (that you nervously went out of your way to get) to develop a real life connection or friendship, you’d rather be my virtual friend.

Again, I get that it’s not THAT big of a deal. And he might actually give me a call or text tomorrow.

Now I’m stuck with a pending friend request taunting my home page. A tiny little red 1 waiting to be answered…the thing is, we’re not friends right now. I don’t need him to have access to all my photos and status updates. He doesn’t need to know where I am or who I’m with if someone happens to tag me somewhere. I don’t even know the guy, and if we end up not being friends in real life, it’s so much easier to just not reach out to someone than it is to de-friend them. The latter takes so much effort and holds much more weight than simply ignoring a person’s calls.

#7…for real this time

Over the past week and a half, I have gone on dates 7- 10. I also started my Master’s Program during that time, which is why I haven’t had time to sleep, let alone update my blog. My apologies….let me get you up to speed!

Date 7 wasn’t your typical date. It was actually a phone conversation…that lasted 3 hours.

No that wasn’t a typo.

3 hours….on the phone…with a guy….

I can’t remember the last time I was on the phone for 3 hours with someone! And not one moment was dull. No awkward silences, long pauses, or weird transitions into another topic. Just an easy conversation with someone I’d just met, that flowed as if we’d known each other for years.

Among other things, I found out that:

He’s 33

He’s not a fan of ‘dating’…he’s more of a relationship guy.

He’s on the same page as me when it comes to religion (it’s just not for him).

He’s a singer/songwriter who is signed to a label and has a few albums out and is trying to make a bigger name for himself (kind of a red flag in my opinion, but I’ll let that slide for now)

He owns his own financial consulting business

I’m not going to list everything we talked about…it was 3 hours after all. But we did make plans to meet up the next evening for dinner / drinks…

#7…nope, nevermind

I decided to sign back up for OKCupid. I figured, at the very least, I’d get some funny message stories to share. And if I happened to get a few more dates out of it, then that’s cool too.

After a few days, I met a guy on there that I was somewhat interested in. We messaged back and forth for a couple of days and he seemed like a cool guy. We exchanged numbers and texted back and forth for a little while before he suggested we meet up for a drink. He asked to meet up for drinks after work that Friday, but I already had plans, so we settled on Sunday instead. We lived in different areas of Brooklyn, but still fairly close to each other so we decided to find a place to meet in the middle.

Then I texted him the next day, and no response.

And I haven’t heard from him since.

Yep…seriously.

I don’t get it. A (kind of) similar situation happened to my friend this weekend as well. She had a date planned with a guy on Sunday as well – a second chance date at that, considering on their first try at meeting up he had to cancel at the last-minute to pick a friend up from the hospital. They had a day and time set, just not the place yet. Ok, no big deal…except that he didn’t even reach out to her about the date until 20 minutes before they were supposed to meet. And she had reached out to him earlier that day with no response.

Seriously, though…what the f*@% is wrong with guys these days? Is it too much to ask to have someone make a plan and stick to it?

Lingo, Language, Linguistics

I just read a really good article in the NY Times called The End of Courtship?

The article begins with a story of a woman, Shani Silver, who was asked out on a ‘date’ with a man she met online. When said date night rolled around, she didn’t hear from the guy until 10:30 via a text message that read “Hey, I’m at Pub & Kitchen, want to meet up for a drink or whatever? Here with a bunch of friends from college.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle a little, because a similar situation just happened to a close friend of mine. She met a man via Tinder, and he asked her if she wanted to ‘hang out’ that weekend. When she finally heard from him regarding their hang out, he invited her out later that night with a group of his friends.

The suggestion blew both of our minds. I understand the whole idea of meeting in a public place when you first meet someone. Specially someone you meet online. But to ask a woman to come meet you and a group of your friends at a bar for your first date is a little strange. Or maybe it was that he wanted to meet her first before taking her out on a date? If that was the case…A. Be clear. Don’t make it seem like you want to go out on a date and then ask her to hang out with you and your friends. And B. why would you think it’s a good idea to hang out with a woman you’ve never met at a bar with all of your friends? How much are you going to get to know someone with all your friends there.  Talk about awkward.

While I’ve never been asked to hang out with a guy and a bunch of his buddies for our first hang out, I did go on a date with a guy recently, only to be informed a quarter of the way through that it wasn’t actually a date that we were on. We were, apparently, just ‘hanging out.’

Another time I was catching up with a guy friend of mine who asked if I was dating anyone.

Sure, I’ve been dating  a few people.

A few people?

Well yeah. You know…going on dates. I’m not seeing any one person or going on numerous dates with any one person right now, but I’m dating.

So you’ve been meeting people.

Yeah, sure. Meeting people…dating people…same thing.

Well meeting people sounds less slutty.

?????

I never said I was sleeping with them, I said dating. As in going on dates.

The terminology is so confusing!

Dating can mean anything from actively going on dates with various people, to going on numerous dates with one person, to consistently hanging out with one person.

Hanging out can mean anything from dating to hooking up. And hooking up can mean anything from kissing to sex (and everything in between).

It’s a completely different language. Unfortunately, there’s no Rosetta Stone for the current dating culture. Not even a Dating Dictionary for Dummies. So if you’re single in your 20’s or 30’s (or any age, really) you’re forced to constantly decode messages and conversations – often times without the help of voice inflection and tone because 90% of the time, ‘conversations’ are all done via text message.

#6

Date #6 was with the same guy from #3 (met up after work, paid for my cab ride home, super sweet) and #4 (helped him pick out a costume, incredibly clingy, tried to make out on the street).

To be honest, I wasn’t so sure I was interested anymore after the second date. He was kind of annoying, and we just didn’t click. But he seemed like a really nice guy, so I figured I’d give it one more try. At the very least, I thought maybe we could have a ‘beneficial friendship’ type arrangement.

Hey, don’t judge.  A girl’s got needs too, you know.

So I invited him over to watch a movie and order some take out…

I’m pretty confident that that was the last night I’ll ever see him.

It’s just not going to work. I tried, I really did. But you really shouldn’t have to try so hard within the first few dates. That is supposed to be the start of the honey moon stage of a relationship. Where you think everything they say is cute and funny. And you think their quirks are adorable, not something you try to look past. That should come way later in the relationship.

So I threw in the towel. There’s just no emotional connection at all. And physically there’s nothing there (in more ways than one).

Oh well…6 down, 24 more to go…

#5

I met date #5 on you guessed it…Tinder.

It was hard to get a great idea of what he looked like, because he only had one picture of his full face. The rest were action shots that only showed part of his face….him playing pool or laughing on the floor, etc etc.

Usually, I turn those profiles down immediately. But I think the pressure to go on 30 dates with only 27 more weeks left had me a little less ‘picky.’

We talked a little bit before agreeing to meet up after work one night. Again – I typically like to message back and forth a little longer before I meet up with someone. Mainly because if I can’t hold a conversation with you via messages, there’s no way we’d have a good conversation in person.

But again – I went against my norm…

Bad idea.

Besides the fact that he looked NOTHING like his picture…there was nothing really ‘wrong’ with this guy. He wasn’t crazy, or mean, or obnoxious. He didn’t call me fat or try to lift me…

He was just….boring. Incredibly, painfully, boring.

And when he spoke, he reminded me of Dave Chappelle when he plays a white guy. Here is an example in case you’ve never seen it. Skip to around :20 in…

I lasted a little over an hour before I had to get out of there. I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual because I haven’t heard from him since, and that was over a week ago.

From now on I’m sticking with my original “rules”….if the guy only has ONE clear picture – decline. And do not agree to meet up and potentially waste your time until you’ve had a decent back and forth with him.

Lesson learned.

#4

I met up with the guy from date #3 the day after our first date, so I could help him put together an amazing Sho’Nuff costume for Halloween. I’m going to consider this my date #4.

We met up at a shopping center near me, and spent hours looking for pieces to make up the costume, and then afterwards I we spent another hour or so cutting, glueing, and putting the costume together.

The day went relatively well – no glaring warning signs or absurd comments that usually go on with my dates. But there are a couple of things that I noticed and will be keeping an eye on:

1. He’s very very touchy. Like always wanting to hold my hand, and hug on me, and kiss me while we’re waiting to cross the street. I’m not a big fan of that. Especially since I had JUST met him the night before…

Too soon

2. He seems like a bit of a partier. In fact, the party we were getting the costume together for was a day party, that would go all night. Honestly, I can’t hang like that anymore…but to each his own. The only thing that really bothered me about the partying aspect was when he used the phrase “turnt up” when referring to the party. (yes turnT, not turned). For those of you who don’t know what the phrase means, here are a few definitions from the urban dictionary:

The act of going crazy at a party;Wanting go to a party for an awesome time!
Lily:That part was so sick last night! 
Julia:Yeah we were so turnt up! Lol
to get drunk or to get excited about something.
let’s go get a bottle and get turn’t up tonight…
drunk, wasted or otherwise impaired
I never go to Denny’s past 2am unless I am turnt up
You get the picture.
Anyway, I hate that phrase. But I wasn’t sure if he was using the phrase, himself, OR if that was the name of the party. So I asked for clarification and he said “You don’t know what turnt up means? You’ve never heard of that phrase before?
Oh, no, I know what it means. I’m just trying to figure out if that’s the name of the party or if you’re actually using that phrase in a conversation right now.
He laughed and said “No, it’s not the name of the party, that’s just what happens at the bar where the party is being thrown.”
Ooh I see….I don’t turn up.
He laughed and said “oh no, you don’t turn up?”
“Nope. I turn way down”
We both laughed a little and moved on.
Again, no major red flags. But I can’t say that I was sad when our day was over. We’ll see what happens.
OH…and his costume came out amazing by the way.

#3

I met date #3 on Tinder. We ‘matched’ over a month ago, but after exchanging hellos, we stopped messaging each others. Then last week he randomly reached out again and we started up a conversation. We messaged back and forth for a few days before exchanging numbers and eventually setting up a date.

We live relatively close to each other, so I picked a place that was between the two of us. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that the place I chose wasn’t open on Mondays…oops. Luckily, the bar two doors down was open, so we went in there to grab a drink. 

We started talking about our families, and I mentioned that my Uncle was an amazing cook, and joked that my friends often fall in love with him because is food is so delicious. To which he replied “I hope I get to meet him one day.”

It’s been less than a half hour and he’s talking about meeting my family? I thought it was a little strange, but I didn’t really look too much into it.

Then we were talking about Brooklyn and how he never goes out here because he works in Manhattan and all his friends live in Manhattan. So I asked him why he doesn’t just move to Manhattan? He said “well, my lease is up in November, so we’ll see what happens. We’ll see how this date goes…”

Again…I thought that was a little strange. Not sure what our date has to do with where he lives in less than a month, but again – I didn’t really over analyze it.

He was a little hungry, so after we finished our first drink we went to another place to grab some food and he refused to let me put in money for the cab ride there. He’s already one step ahead of most of the guys I’ve dated recently.

We shared a few appetizers, had a few more drinks and laughed – a lot. He told me that his friend was having a Halloween Party with a “Villain” theme, and that he wanted to go as Sho’Nuff from The Last Dragon and I almost lost it. I explained to him that I was planning on going as Sho’Nuff a few years ago, but couldn’t get the whole costume together. (If you don’t know who Sho’Nuff is, or never heard of The Last Dragon…look it up immediately. You can thank me later).

“I even bought ‘the glow’! I’ve never been able to use it though, you should borrow it for your costume”

” I don’t even know where to start with the costume. I’m not really big on Halloween to be honest.”

“Oh my god, Halloween is like my Christmas. You can totally put that costume together.”

“You have to help me then!”

I agreed to go to the costume store with him the next day after work, and we thought of ideas on how to make the costume as authentic as possible.

Then at some point he said something really funny (I can’t remember what). I have this thing that I do a lot…if someone says something funny while I’m drinking, I spit out my drink. I’m not talking a little drool or dribble…I’m talking full on, movie quality, projectile spray.

And that’s exactly what happened this time…with a mouth full of red wine…and it got all over EVERYTHING, including his new shirt.

I.Was.Mortified.

Luckily, he was really good about it. In fact, we were both laughing so hard we couldn’t speak for a few minutes. I apologized, profusely, and he said “well…this WAS a new shirt…” before assuring me that it was no big deal. 

When we were finished with our food, we went to another bar for one more drink before I had to call it a night so I could wake up for work in the morning. By then it was around 12:30 (still early for NYC standards) but he refused to let me take a train or bus home by myself. Instead, he hailed a cab and rode it home with me. When we pulled up to my apartment he paid the driver (I tried to pay and he wasn’t having it), walked me to my door and then took the bus back to his apartment.

He kissed me goodnight, and not once tried to come upstairs or made me feel uncomfortable.

 

And that, gentlemen, is how you ‘take a girl out’.

 

I couldn’t wait to help him with his costume the next day….