boo-boo

I was on my way to the grocery store last weekend, when someone started walking along side of me. At first I didn’t think anything of it because it was a beautiful day and the streets were really crowded. Then I heard:

Excuse me BooBoo, can I talk to you for a minute.

I was shocked that someone was actually using “BooBoo” as a term of endearment and I slowly turned my head to see if it was a joke. The man walking next to me was staring at me, dead serious and from the looks of it, incredibly high.

I smiled and said “no thank you.” His response was

“It’s ’cause I’m black, right?”

Immediately about 5 different responses flooded my head:

What the fuck are you talking about, I’m black myself.

No, it’s because you just called me BooBoo

No, it’s because I’m just not interested.

No, it’s because you look like you’re high as fuck.

No, it’s because you look like you have no job, no education, and hang out at the corner store all day.

Instead I briefly paused, took a deep breath, and kept it moving. As I walked away I hear “yeah, it’s ’cause I’m black.”

Meanwhile, in the Tinderverse, here are some gems that either myself or my friends have come across:

tinder guy 3

tinder guy1

tinder guy2

Keep it classy fellas…..

Tinder update

Here are some of my Tinder exchanges so far….

Guy 1

Him: Hi

Me: Hello

Him: How are you today?

Me: I’m great, how are you?

Him: Can’t complain nice weather out…are you black or white?

Really? The first thing after “how are you” is “are you black or white”??

Next.

Guy 2

Him: your hair is dope

Me: thanks, I was thinking the same thing about yours!

Him: wyd on this rainy day?

Me: homework unfortunately, what about you?

Him: I probably should be doing that…I’m clean and eat and watch TV…where do you live?

Him: Come drink wine with me then let’s cuddle and pass out….that would be perfect too.

Me: Well, I don’t even know you so that would be strange.

Him: I’m guessing we’d learn about each other before passing out.

Me: I’d have to learn about a person before getting in their bed…or couch…or apartment in general.

yeah…next.

Guy 3

Him: Hey how are you?

Me: I’m great, how are you?

Him: I’m good enjoying this cool weather here.

Me: Yeah me too! I love the fall.

one day later…

Him: Hey how are you doing?

Me: Fantastic. You?

5 hours later…

Him: I’m great.

5 days later…

Him: Hey how was your weekend?

At this point I’m kind of over it. So I don’t respond.

one week later…

Him: Hey how are you doing.

I decide to give this conversation one last chance.

Me: I’m doing well. What about you?

Him: I’m good. I sprained my ankle running but I’m good.

Me: oh that sucks, I’m sorry to hear that

Him: It’s ok..what are you up to today?

Me: I’m working right now. I have a few things to take care of after work, then just heading home. What about you?

still nothing…

I’m done. If we can’t even get past “how are you” on Tinder, how are we going to have a conversation over a drink or a meal?

Next.

laundromat loco

This past summer I had the unfortunate pleasure of running into Neto at the laundromat by my house. And by running into, I mean he chased me down as I was walking out of the door with a bag of clean laundry.

To be honest, he lost me at hello. He had this white crusty shit in the corners of his mouth that made me want to both gag and offer him a glass of water. I didn’t want to be rude since, clearly, he lived in the neighborhood. I figured I’d exchange a little small talk with him  while making it clear that I wasn’t really interested and be on my way.

Neto wasn’t having that.

First of all, this guy did not shut up. He had questions lined up for days! And when I would answer his questions in a vague / I’m-have-no-interest-in-this-conversation way, he would just keep asking the same question until I answered. This is, roughly, how the conversation went:

Excuse me, miss, how you doin’?

I’m fine, thanks.

Oh ok. I’m Neto.

Ok, nice to meet you.

….what’s your name.

Amber.

Ooh ok…where are you from?

Upstate.

Where upstate?

Near Albany

But where?

*sigh* Uhhh….Catskill.

Oh ok. yeah yeah…pfff…yeah of course, I know Catskill. The Catskills! The Catskill Mountains!

Yeah. Well. It’s the town of Catskill but yeah same thing I g….

Yeah, yeah…me and my family go used to go up there all the time! Bear Mountain and (blahblahblahblah – I was half listening to him at this point)…so I know that area really well.

Oh ok.

So where did you go to school?

Pace University.

Oh ok. Yeah I know Pace. Near the Brooklyn Bridge right?

Well, I went to the Westchester Campus, but yeah the NY one is….

Oooh ok ok ok. Yeah I know Westchester. I have family up there…you know, in Yonkers, New Rochelle, Ossining. All those places.

Riiight…

Where was that campus again?

Briarcli..

Riiiigh riiiight…Briarcliff. I know Briarcliff.

Clearly, this Neto knows it all. In fact, I’m not sure why he was even having this conversation with me…he could’ve just had it with himself. He obviously didn’t want me to speak too much since he kept interrupting me every time I answered his stupid questions.

So, what’s your nationality?

*sigh* uhh..I’m Black and Italian.

Ooh ok. Italiano! Nice! Where in Italy is your family from?

I don’t know.

You don’t know? Are they from Napels? Rome? Sicily? Venice?

I really don’t know.

Ooh ok ok. You know my name is actually an Italian name – but I don’t spell it N-I-T-T-O like the Italians do, I spell mine N-E-T-O

I see.

At this point in the conversation there was the slightest bit of a pause – So I jumped on my chance to bow out.

Ok, well I gotta get going.

Oh, alright.

and then the inevitable happened.

Listen…we should keep in touch. Can I get your number?

Mmm…no I don’t think so.

Why not?

I just don’t think it’s a good idea.

But why?

I actually have a boyfriend.

No you don’t

Um..excuse me?

No you don’t. You don’t have a boyfriend. But that’s alright though. I’m good. I’m gooood. I’m a celebrity Personal Trainer, you know, so I’m doing alright in that department.

Was this guy serious? Ok, so maybe I was lying about the boyfriend thing. But only because I tried to just say no without a lie, and he wouldn’t accept it. So I went to the tried and true back up that every woman uses – I pulled the boyfriend card. Now usually, even if the guy does think you’re lying, he has a bit more self-respect and dignity to actually call you a liar to your face. It just makes him look crazy. AND there is no way to prove that I’m lying…so if I’m not lying you look like a real asshole. As all this is going through my head, all I could do was giggle and say:

Oh ok..wow that’s great.

My clients have been in magazines! I work with Sean John models and all kinds of celebrities so that’s alright I’m good. Trust me.

Great. Good for you. I’m still not interested.

I’m serious. I’ve done some modeling too. You see all this Nike I’m wearing? Head to toe? That’s because they sponsor me.

Little did he know, I don’t even like Sean John, or Puffy, or P-Diddy or whatever the hell he goes by. I think his music sucks, his clothes suck, and everything about his persona sucks. But at this point I’m starting to get annoyed, and embarrassed for him. His desperation and insecurity was becoming unbearable…as was the crust building up in the corners of his mouth.

Listen. Clearly, you’re talking to the wrong woman because I am really not impressed by any of that. So I’m going to go now. Have a good one, k?

Yeah alright. That’s fine. It’s all good….(continues babbling as I walk away)

For a while I completely forgot about Neto. I saw him once or twice over the summer, walking down the block without a shirt on (which is actually a huge turn off for me even if it isn’t coming from a desperate psycho. Unless we’re at the beach or in the bed room – keep you damn shirt on). But I never ran into him at the laundry mat again.

Until today.

It was a holiday, so instead of doing my laundry on Sunday, like I typically do, I decided to wait until today since I had the day off. Clearly everyone else was thinking the same thing because it was PACKED. All was going pretty well…I had managed to split up my clothes into the available washers and was waiting for the final spin cycle to be complete when Neto walked in.

Muther. F**k*r

Thank God for my iPhone, which faithfully kept me busy so I didn’t risk making eye contact with the crazy.

Then, as he was walking past me with a clothing cart, he almost ran my toes over (like I said it was PACKED) and he said ‘excuse me, excuse me, sorry about that miss’

Holy Shit. This guy doesn’t remember me. SWEET!!!!

Little did I know, that wasn’t such a good thing. I was about to experience Groundhogs Day with Neto.

My final spin cycle finished and there were three driers open and waiting for me. I took a look around and Neto was no where in sight. I just might get out of here without a run in! So I put my clothes in and watched them dry, while making some small talk with the woman next to me.

About 10 / 15 minutes later, guess who comes around the corner and starts looking for a drier.

Neto.

Realizing there weren’t any available at that moment, he decided to stand right next to me and wait for one to free up.

Shit.

Shit shit shit.

I should have just walked outside, but I didn’t want to leave my clothes unattended. And then it happened.

Hey, how you doin’?

I’m fine, thanks.

Oh ok. I’m Neto.

Ok, nice to meet you.

….what’s your name.

Amber.

Oh ok…who gave you that name?

*incredibly confused look* uuhh…my…pa…rents…?

No I know I know, I figured that, I wasn’t sure if you knew which one gave it to you. Like, my Dad named my sister, so my Mom named me. I wasn’t sure if your parents had something worked out like that.

I…don’t know.

Ooh ok…where are you from?

Upstate.

Where upstate?

Near Albany

But where?

*sigh* Uhhh….Catskill.

Oh ok. yeah yeah…pfff…yeah of course, I know Catskill. The Catskills! The Catskill Mountains!

Yeah. Well. It’s the town of Catskill but yeah same thing I g….

Yeah, yeah…me and my family go used to go up there all the time! Bear Mountain and (blahblahblahblah – I was half listening to him at this point)…so I know that area really well.

Oh ok.

So what do you do?

I work in TV

Doing what?

I’m an Associate Producer and Editor.

Oh yeah? For what channel?

(I told him the network I work for)

Oh ok. Where is that located?

umm…in the soho area.

oh..yeah I had some clients that worked for that company. They were over near Hudson. They just opened a IHOP over there.

Yeah, that’s around my job.

Oh. well that’s the West Village. That’s not SoHo.

Ok.

Yeah, I was gonna say, I know where (TV network) is. But when you said SoHo you through me off. Yeah, that’s the West Village.

Ok.

Yeah, ’cause I worked at a couple of gyms around there. A bunch of gyms I’ve worked at are near TV networks. I worked up at Reebok near Columbus and (blahblahblahblahblah I tuned him out)…so how long have you been in TV?

For a while.

Oh ok. Where were you before?

ABC.

Ooh. haaha. right up near Columbus right? Near the Reebok gym?

Yep. One of my coworkers had a membership there.

Pfff…one of your coworkers? you mean ALL of your coworkers? Yeah. I know ’cause they gave the ABC employees a discounted rate. You didn’t go?

I had a week pass from a coworker, but …

Right yeah, they give those out all the time, and then they give you a discount after if you want to sign up.

Ok.

So where did you go to school?

Pace University.

Oh ok. Yeah I know Pace. Near the Brooklyn Bridge right?

Well, I went to the Westchester Campus, but yeah the NY one is….

Oooh ok ok ok. Yeah I know Westchester. I have family up there…you know, in Yonkers, New Rochelle, Ossining. All those places.

Riiight…

Where was that campus again?

Briarcli..

Riiiigh riiiight…Briarcliff. I know Briarcliff.

Yep…that’s right. Pretty much the same EXACT conversation. I shit you not. He even cut me off in the same places.

Did you like college?

Sure.

Yeah. I’m a Tar Heels guy myself. I had fun in college. A lot of my friends said they didn’t want to leave because once you left it was into the real world – starting your career and families…

Right.

Bless the old man who needed the machine I was blocking. I could have kissed him when he interrupted our conversation. I tried to make some small talk with the old guy, but he wasn’t really trying to chit-chat, and unlike some people (NETO) I pick up on body language and other non verbal signs.

Neto went on about this and that until my clothes finally finished drying. Actually, they weren’t completely dry, but I had to get the hell out of there. The damp stuff would have to hang over my radiators.

The old man and his clothing cart were blocking Neto in, so I tried to shove my clothes in my bag as fast as I could and head out while he was still barricaded in the corner. As soon as I stood up to walk away, I heard Neto behind me:

So we should keep in touch.

I ignored him. My back was facing him, so it was totally believable that I just didn’t hear him. I practically ran out of there, and he was right on my tail.

Can I help you with your bags?

No, I got it.

Oh, well let me get the door for you.

I got it.

Now we’re outside and I know I’m in trouble.

So, we should keep in touch.

Oh…sorry, I have a boyfriend.

No you don’t. No you don’t. You don’t have a boyfriend.

I had flashbacks to the last conversation and I just couldn’t do it again. Not only could I not endure his ego masturbation, or his desperate attempts to impress a woman he doesn’t even know with (what I’m sure was) a load of bullshit. It was too sad. And I couldn’t let him do it to himself. Or me.

Mainly me.

So I laughed and said:

Ooookay buddy, whatever you say. You have a good one.

I’m a celebrity trainer! It’s all good!

I heard the swish swish swish of his bright purple wind breakers coming up behind me (yeah…so much for a Nike sponsorship. He looked like he borrowed Barney’s sauna suit) and eventually walking past me.

That’s ok. I work with Celebrities! Ha-HA! It’s all good! You have a good day!

Psycho.

I dropped my clothes off and ran to the grocery store. Better to get all my errands done at once so I could relax once I got in the house and settled. As I’m picking out some healthy snacks in the produce isle, guess who walks in? Neto. Coincidentally he comes in less than 2 minutes after me. And coincidentally he walks past me in the produce isle, on his cell phone in the middle of – what he would like me to believe was – a conversation regarding a celebrity client.

All I heard was:

Blahblahblahblah Sean John. Blahblahblah photo shoot. Blahblahblah Sean John.

I wanted to laugh. But I felt kind of bad for him. Clearly this guy is Cray Cray.