I love white people

I had my first date with the guy I met the other, and it was pretty uneventful.

He’s a nice guy, but some thing just seemed kind of…off.

First, he definitely didn’t seem like a 37 year old man. He came across very immature and it was very hard for him to be serious. And his way of flirting was similar to that of a 12 year old boy, except instead of pulling my hair he was poking fun of me or starting little arguments.

Lame.

The one thing that stuck out the most about the night was when he told me that he doesn’t trust White people. Considering the fact that I’m half White (a fact that he knew) and that all my family gatherings are filled with a lot of amazing, hilarious, loving, welcoming, trustworthy (white) people, I felt a little uncomfortable with the statement.

Ok VERY uncomfortable with the statement.

I don’t know what his past experiences have been like to have him feel that way, and he has the right to his opinions and feelings… but that’s definitely not a comment you should make on a first date…

I’m not one to keep my mouth shut, so we had a discussion about it. Lets just say it didn’t go so well, and I decided that it would be best if we just changed the subject.

The night continued as it had started…him being slightly awkward, starting little arguments, etc etc, until I finally grew tired of it. Literally. I was actually yawning.

So he walked me to the train, gave me a hug goodbye, and we said we’d be in touch.

To be honest, I’d be totally fine if I never saw him again.

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Lingo, Language, Linguistics

I just read a really good article in the NY Times called The End of Courtship?

The article begins with a story of a woman, Shani Silver, who was asked out on a ‘date’ with a man she met online. When said date night rolled around, she didn’t hear from the guy until 10:30 via a text message that read “Hey, I’m at Pub & Kitchen, want to meet up for a drink or whatever? Here with a bunch of friends from college.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle a little, because a similar situation just happened to a close friend of mine. She met a man via Tinder, and he asked her if she wanted to ‘hang out’ that weekend. When she finally heard from him regarding their hang out, he invited her out later that night with a group of his friends.

The suggestion blew both of our minds. I understand the whole idea of meeting in a public place when you first meet someone. Specially someone you meet online. But to ask a woman to come meet you and a group of your friends at a bar for your first date is a little strange. Or maybe it was that he wanted to meet her first before taking her out on a date? If that was the case…A. Be clear. Don’t make it seem like you want to go out on a date and then ask her to hang out with you and your friends. And B. why would you think it’s a good idea to hang out with a woman you’ve never met at a bar with all of your friends? How much are you going to get to know someone with all your friends there.  Talk about awkward.

While I’ve never been asked to hang out with a guy and a bunch of his buddies for our first hang out, I did go on a date with a guy recently, only to be informed a quarter of the way through that it wasn’t actually a date that we were on. We were, apparently, just ‘hanging out.’

Another time I was catching up with a guy friend of mine who asked if I was dating anyone.

Sure, I’ve been dating  a few people.

A few people?

Well yeah. You know…going on dates. I’m not seeing any one person or going on numerous dates with any one person right now, but I’m dating.

So you’ve been meeting people.

Yeah, sure. Meeting people…dating people…same thing.

Well meeting people sounds less slutty.

?????

I never said I was sleeping with them, I said dating. As in going on dates.

The terminology is so confusing!

Dating can mean anything from actively going on dates with various people, to going on numerous dates with one person, to consistently hanging out with one person.

Hanging out can mean anything from dating to hooking up. And hooking up can mean anything from kissing to sex (and everything in between).

It’s a completely different language. Unfortunately, there’s no Rosetta Stone for the current dating culture. Not even a Dating Dictionary for Dummies. So if you’re single in your 20’s or 30’s (or any age, really) you’re forced to constantly decode messages and conversations – often times without the help of voice inflection and tone because 90% of the time, ‘conversations’ are all done via text message.

#5

I met date #5 on you guessed it…Tinder.

It was hard to get a great idea of what he looked like, because he only had one picture of his full face. The rest were action shots that only showed part of his face….him playing pool or laughing on the floor, etc etc.

Usually, I turn those profiles down immediately. But I think the pressure to go on 30 dates with only 27 more weeks left had me a little less ‘picky.’

We talked a little bit before agreeing to meet up after work one night. Again – I typically like to message back and forth a little longer before I meet up with someone. Mainly because if I can’t hold a conversation with you via messages, there’s no way we’d have a good conversation in person.

But again – I went against my norm…

Bad idea.

Besides the fact that he looked NOTHING like his picture…there was nothing really ‘wrong’ with this guy. He wasn’t crazy, or mean, or obnoxious. He didn’t call me fat or try to lift me…

He was just….boring. Incredibly, painfully, boring.

And when he spoke, he reminded me of Dave Chappelle when he plays a white guy. Here is an example in case you’ve never seen it. Skip to around :20 in…

I lasted a little over an hour before I had to get out of there. I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual because I haven’t heard from him since, and that was over a week ago.

From now on I’m sticking with my original “rules”….if the guy only has ONE clear picture – decline. And do not agree to meet up and potentially waste your time until you’ve had a decent back and forth with him.

Lesson learned.

#3

I met date #3 on Tinder. We ‘matched’ over a month ago, but after exchanging hellos, we stopped messaging each others. Then last week he randomly reached out again and we started up a conversation. We messaged back and forth for a few days before exchanging numbers and eventually setting up a date.

We live relatively close to each other, so I picked a place that was between the two of us. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that the place I chose wasn’t open on Mondays…oops. Luckily, the bar two doors down was open, so we went in there to grab a drink. 

We started talking about our families, and I mentioned that my Uncle was an amazing cook, and joked that my friends often fall in love with him because is food is so delicious. To which he replied “I hope I get to meet him one day.”

It’s been less than a half hour and he’s talking about meeting my family? I thought it was a little strange, but I didn’t really look too much into it.

Then we were talking about Brooklyn and how he never goes out here because he works in Manhattan and all his friends live in Manhattan. So I asked him why he doesn’t just move to Manhattan? He said “well, my lease is up in November, so we’ll see what happens. We’ll see how this date goes…”

Again…I thought that was a little strange. Not sure what our date has to do with where he lives in less than a month, but again – I didn’t really over analyze it.

He was a little hungry, so after we finished our first drink we went to another place to grab some food and he refused to let me put in money for the cab ride there. He’s already one step ahead of most of the guys I’ve dated recently.

We shared a few appetizers, had a few more drinks and laughed – a lot. He told me that his friend was having a Halloween Party with a “Villain” theme, and that he wanted to go as Sho’Nuff from The Last Dragon and I almost lost it. I explained to him that I was planning on going as Sho’Nuff a few years ago, but couldn’t get the whole costume together. (If you don’t know who Sho’Nuff is, or never heard of The Last Dragon…look it up immediately. You can thank me later).

“I even bought ‘the glow’! I’ve never been able to use it though, you should borrow it for your costume”

” I don’t even know where to start with the costume. I’m not really big on Halloween to be honest.”

“Oh my god, Halloween is like my Christmas. You can totally put that costume together.”

“You have to help me then!”

I agreed to go to the costume store with him the next day after work, and we thought of ideas on how to make the costume as authentic as possible.

Then at some point he said something really funny (I can’t remember what). I have this thing that I do a lot…if someone says something funny while I’m drinking, I spit out my drink. I’m not talking a little drool or dribble…I’m talking full on, movie quality, projectile spray.

And that’s exactly what happened this time…with a mouth full of red wine…and it got all over EVERYTHING, including his new shirt.

I.Was.Mortified.

Luckily, he was really good about it. In fact, we were both laughing so hard we couldn’t speak for a few minutes. I apologized, profusely, and he said “well…this WAS a new shirt…” before assuring me that it was no big deal. 

When we were finished with our food, we went to another bar for one more drink before I had to call it a night so I could wake up for work in the morning. By then it was around 12:30 (still early for NYC standards) but he refused to let me take a train or bus home by myself. Instead, he hailed a cab and rode it home with me. When we pulled up to my apartment he paid the driver (I tried to pay and he wasn’t having it), walked me to my door and then took the bus back to his apartment.

He kissed me goodnight, and not once tried to come upstairs or made me feel uncomfortable.

 

And that, gentlemen, is how you ‘take a girl out’.

 

I couldn’t wait to help him with his costume the next day….

#2

A few weeks ago, I went to one of my new favorite bars in my area with a couple of friends. We were sitting on the back deck area watching a funny video online that my friend had never seen (it was a pretty slow night) when these two guys came up and asked if they could sit with us. Considering the fact that, as I just mentioned, it was a slow night, and the fact that one of the guys had already sat down, we let them sit with us.

They both ended up being pretty cool guys and we hung out with them for about an hour before they had to go. The guy that sat next to me was pretty cute, so when he asked for my number I figured ‘sure, why not?’

As they were heading out we all stood up to give friendly hugs goodbye, and as I stood up the guy I gave my number to looked up at me and said “wow, you’re tall.”

I’m 5’2 1/2″…5’3″ on a good day.

That is the first time ANYONE has told me I was tall. Ever. And I’ve definitely never heard that come out of a man’s mouth before. But I was a little tipsy, so I ignored the comment.

The next day, he reached out and asked if I wanted to come to his place…he wanted to cook me dinner. I told him that I wasn’t comfortable going to a relative stranger’s house (call me old fashioned) but that I’d be happy to meet up for a drink in a public place.

He agreed.

So we decided on a place in our area.

It took a little longer to get there than I thought, mainly because I was looking for the place for a good 5 minutes before I realized I was on the wrong street (don’t judge me). I called him to tell him I was running a little late, and he said he was ’10 minutes away.

20 minutes later he showed up. And he was shorter than I remembered. I’m SO glad I wore flat boots.

We sat at the bar, ordered some drinks and started talking. The conversation went really well – lots of laughs, etc. – with the exception of a few things:

1. He acted like he was  so tight with the bartender, and the bartender acted like he barely knew him.

2. He got distracted – a lot. Once he asked a woman about her ring mid-conversation (he’s a jewelry designer – not an excuse but just to give some background). Once he interrupted me mid-sentence because he saw a woman he swore he saw walking down the street the day before. He then proceeded to have a conversation with said woman, and asked me to put her number in her phone incase we (him and I) wanted to meet up with her friends later.

3. His phone rang 3 times in a row from the same number. He had the phone sitting face up on the bar, so of course I glanced at it every time it rang. And each time it was the same woman’s name. On the 3rd ring, he said “I’m sorry I have to take this” and went outside to answer.

4. He grabbed my arm while we were talking and noticed that they were pretty toned. He then asked me, what do you weigh? About 158? (I don’t know what it is with guys asking me my weight. See previous post, Heavy Lifter). Considering the fact that I’m pretty short and small framed, AND had just recently lost 10 lbs, I was really offended by the 158 question.

Are you serious? You think I weigh 158??

Well I don’t know, you’re really toned and I know muscle weighs more than fat so…

No, I don’t weigh 158. How much do YOU weigh??

I’m 158.

You think I weigh as much as you??? (In hindsight – considering this guy was about my height and probably a few jeans sizes LESS than me, that might make sense).

I don’t know I’m not good at guessing weight.

No. I weigh 130. But thanks. *guzzles wine*

After he payed for the bill (yes, he did at least do that right) we walked to a lounge near by. I had nothing else to do with my night, and I was tipsy enough that I was OK with another couple of hours with this dude.

On our way, he stopped at a corner store to grab a red bull, and bought me one.

No thanks, I don’t drink Red Bull. It gives me heart palpitations.

Red Bull gives everyone heart palpitations, isn’t that the point?

Well, I’m not a fan. And my Mom had to get surgery to correct an issue she had with recurring heart palpitations so I try to just avoid it if I can. Also, I think Red Bull tastes like shit.

I handed it back to him, thinking he would just throw it out, but instead he chugged the one he had, opened the one I gave him, and chugged that one. Gross.

We got to the lounge, and it was very loud and very packed. After we grabbed our drinks (him: one shot and one whiskey drink. Me: one glass of red wine), we made our way through the crowd to find a seat. As he tried to get past one (tall-ish) woman, he lightly tapped her to let her know he was coming past to the left of her. She turned and literally jumped when she looked down and saw him at shoulder level. She then turned and laughed with one of her friends.

Hopefully he didn’t notice, but I was mortified for him.

The rest of the night went alright. We had a couple drinks, dance a bit. Then it got too crowded and I started to get tired, so we headed out.

On our way home ( we live near each other) he stopped at the corner store and grabbed ANOTHER Red Bull. Then he took off his blazer and draped it around my shoulders after I had JUST commented on how nice it was outside. I told him I wasn’t cold, took off the blazer and handed it to him. Then he said “can you hold it for me?”

Uh..OK. I figured he just meant hold it while he was opening his Red Bull. But no…he had me holding that damn thing far after he was finished with his drink. Eventually I got a little annoyed and said “here I don’t want to hold your jacket anymore.”

We got to my apartment and he asked if I lived with a roommate.

No. I live alone

How’s that working out for you?

It’s great, I love it.

Can I come up and see your place?

Nope.

Why not? Just because I come up, doesn’t mean we have to have sex.

Oh well we’re definitely not having sex. That’s 100% not happening. But you’re not coming up either.

Why not?

Because there’s no need for you to come up to my apartment at 2:30 in the morning.

He left it alone.

Then he started squeezing my forearm, so I asked him what he was doing.

You have really big forearms.

What??! No I don’t. I have small arms.

No you don’t! Look (he puts his arm over mine) your forearms eclipse mine.

Are you serious? First of all, as a man you should NEVER, EVER point out that a woman has bigger arms than you. Not only do you risk the chance of making the woman feel bad, but more importantly you unknowingly emasculate yourself. This guy is already miniature. Pointing out that he could have potentially shopped at the Baby Gap was probably not his best move.

Then he went on about how beautiful he thought I was (still not coming up to my apartment, buddy) and asked me I thought my best physical feature was.

I don’t know. Maybe my legs…no my smile. People like my smile I’ll go with that.

Then he asked me to smile.

No. I’ve laughed enough times tonight for you to see my smile.

Then he made a big production at looking at my legs (I was wearing a skirt).

Ehh…they’re legs. And a lot of people have nice smiles. I think your best physical feature is these lines you get near your mouth when you smile. They’re not because you have high cheekbones. They’re just a part of your face. Not everyone has that. I think that’s your best physical feature.

What?!

So you ask me to tell you what I like about myself. Then when I tell you, you say…no you’re wrong, those things suck. I really like the lines in your face.

I can’t. Goodbye.

Oh…and I decided to Google him a couple of days later, and found a wordpress blog post about him. Apparently he lied. He said that he’s been here for less than a year when according to the blog (and his LinkedIn profile) he’s really been here over 2 years. Also, that number that was calling…that he eventually left our ‘date’ to answer? Yeah…it was the same name as a woman mentioned in the post, described as his “long-time girlfriend and future fiance.

Loser.

#1

A few months ago, my friend convinced me to try Tinder, a new dating app she had just downloaded. I had recently given up on the whole ‘online dating’ thing (too many weirdos), but she eventually managed to convince me to give it a shot.

It was surprisingly addicting! For those of you who don’t know about it, the app links to your facebook profile, accessing only your age, first name, interests, friends, and up to 5 profile pictures of your choosing. You set your gender, age, and distance preferences and then the app matches you with people based on those settings. All you get is a picture(s) of the person, along with their age, any matching interests, and any friends that you may have in common.

No long profiles to fill out or personality questions to ask. Either you’re attracted to the person or you’re not. If yes, then you swipe their picture to the right. If you’re not, swipe left.

If you like someone and they like you back, then you have a match and you can message each other.

So, I downloaded the app and started messaging back and forth with one of my matches by the end of the day. I was on the fence about some of his pictures, but he seemed really nice, and he was incredibly funny so we ended up exchanging numbers and eventually graduated to texting each other before deciding to meet up the following weekend.

He worked a lot of overnights, so we decided to meet up at noon for coffee at a cafe in my area.

He was much better looking in person and SO funny! We sat at the coffee shop for at least an hour talking and making jokes. Our senses of humor matched up perfectly.

He mentioned a donut shop a few blocks down the road that was supposed to have the most amazing donuts in Brooklyn, and when I told him that I had never been there, he demanded suggested that we go there immediately.

The donuts were amazing!

We each got one and went across the street and sat on a bench in the park to eat and talk.

By the time we finished, a few hours had gone by and he had to get to work. The goodbye was really awkward. We both said we had fun, and said we should hang out again after my surgery (this was right before surgery #2). And then he kind of just stared at me…and then offered his hand out for me to shake.

Super Awkward.

The day went great, and we got along really well, but to be honest I kind of got more of a friend vibe from him. I was still interested in meeting up with him again, but I wasn’t DYING to meet up with him again.

We kept in touch for a few weeks, and then slowly started to reach out to each other less and less. I sent him a text message after I was off my crutches to let him know I was off the crutches and able to meet up if he wanted to hang out. We exchanged a couple of texts that day…but I haven’t heard from him since.

We’ll see what happens, but I’m not banking on running into him again.

Train Shane

I am not a morning person.

So when I used to live in White Plains, getting to work in Manhattan by 9 was no easy task for me. (Let’s be honest, even now, when I live in Brooklyn 25 minutes from work and don’t have to be in until 10 – I STILL have a hard time getting there on time. But I digress…)

One morning, hell must have frozen over, because I actually made it to the train in time to catch the EARLY train to work! The train conductor came by to check everyone’s tickets and as he got to me I looked up to see a VERY handsome man looking back at me.

Usually, the train conductors were old(er) men, unattractive men. But not this guy. He was tall, strong jaw line, nice shoulders and a great smile. He looked like he was in his late 20’s or early 30’s. As he checked my ticket, he winked at me and I could feel my cheeks turn red. At the next stop, he walked past again and we exchanged flirty smiles.

I was on an express train and there weren’t many stops left. So, I dug into my purse, wrote my name and number down on a piece of paper, and handed it to him the next time he walked past.

Unfortunately, I forgot to take my headphones out so I have no idea what he said to me as he took the piece of paper out of my hand. I just smiled and nodded.

Yeah, smooth..I know.

He waved to me as I got off the train, and I had a text from him before I made it to work.

I took that as a good sign.

He said he’d give me a call later that night…and he actually did.

Great sign.

We spoke for a while about nothing in particular – where he’s from, where I’m from, etc. He spoke a lot about the gym, and how much he liked to go work out, which I didn’t think too much of. Nothing wrong with wanted to stay healthy and fit.

Shortly after we hung up, he texted me a picture of himself…in the mirror…without a shirt on.

Bad sign. VERY BAD SIGN. Ugh… 

I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and continued to talk to him for a few days via text and phone. About a week later, we decided to meet up for and early dinner after work.

As we’re looking over the menu, I mention that I might get french fries. Then he says that he can’t have Fries. I thought maybe it had something to do with an allergy so I asked why.

Oh..I’m just on a diet. I’m not getting the results I want from the Gym, so I have to turn it up a notch.

Oh ok.

But you can have fries if you want.

Oh I know I can. But thanks.

Towards the end of our meal, somehow we got on the topic of children. Not having children together…but just the topic of having children in general. I honestly don’t even remember how we got on the subject. But I do remember him saying:

Yeah, my friends always joke with me because I’m so into fitness. They always say ‘what are you going to do when you get married and have kids? What if your wife doesn’t lose the weight?’ And I just tell them that I’ll make her go to the gym.

Huh?

Well, you can’t make her go to the gym.

Well no, but I’ll just put those magazines all over the house with the really hot girls on the cover so she’ll feel bad about herself and it will force her to go.

What the

I had to quickly compose myself in order to refrain from cussin’ him out.

Instead I said

Um. Wow. Are you serious?

Yeah!

You realize that’s mentally and emotionally abusive, right?

I mean, I’d go with her!

That’s not the point..ugh forget it.

Check please.

ignorance is bliss…?

**This is not a post to debate religion. I’m not knocking anyone’s choices or beliefs – just sharing a funny experience I had with someone who’s beliefs (both religiously and generally) are COMPLETELY opposite of mine.**

A couple of years ago, my roommate tried to hook me up with a guy she knew from High School.

Apparently, she ran into him the previous weekend and he asked her if she had any ‘hot, single friends’ she could hook him up with, and she thought of me. I was a little skeptical, but I reluctantly agreed to let her give him my contact info.

5 minutes later I had a Facebook message from him and a date set up for that following Sunday. For the few days leading up to our date, I noticed a lot of religious posts on his Facebook page. Apparently he was VERY involved in his Church, and ran a Youth Ministry group there.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am FAR from religious. I don’t go to church unless it’s for a wedding or a funeral, and I’m not even sure I believe in God. Not that I’m knocking people who do. I have many friends who are incredibly religious. I respect their beliefs and they respect mine. Simple as that.

But when it comes to being in a relationship with someone who is incredibly religious – that’s a different story. I’m pretty sure that would NEVER work out. But since I didn’t even know what his beliefs were exactly, I figured I could at least go on one date with the guy.

We met up on a Sunday evening to go bowling. We bowled a couple of games, had a few laughs and overall had a pretty decent time. After we finished up our second game he suggested we go to Starbucks to talk for a little bit. I’m not really a coffee drinker and I was kind of ready to go home, but it was still early so I agreed.

After we ordered our drinks, we went outside and to sit down and talk. The conversation was going alright (aka safe and generic) until he asked me about my religion.

I don’t practice a religion. What about you?

He kind of stared off into space for a moment, and I swore I saw a twinkle in his eye as he said:

I just…(dramatic exhale)…love….God!

I tried to fight back a giggle when I said

Oh ok, that’s nice.

He went on to tell me about his involvement in his Church. How he goes a few times a week, heads the Youth Ministry Group, and plays an instrument for the Church choir (I can’t remember which one). Then it started to rain, so we headed inside. To be honest, I was a little turned off at this point and well aware that this probably wouldn’t work as more than a friendship. But I had a Pumpkin Spice Latte to finish (terrible idea at 8pm), so I headed inside.

We started talking about the places we’ve traveled to, and some of the places we’d each like to travel to one day. He mentioned California, and I told him that I really wanted to go to San Diego and San Francisco one day. He said

Yeah, I don’t want to go to San Francisco. There are a lot of Gay people there.

image courtesy of google image search

image courtesy of google image search

Uh..OK. Well there are a lot of Gay people everywhere. Do you have something against people who are Gay??

No, I don’t care. I just don’t like when they flaunt it.

When they flaunt it??

Yeah. Like when they’re all flamboyant and stuff. I don’t like that.

Umm…I’m pretty sure when someone acts like that, they’re just being themselves. I don’t think anyone is flaunting anything.

I just don’t like it.

Now, my lack of interest in him has nothing to do with his religion and everything to do with the fact that I have no tolerance for ignorance.

None.

To me, not liking someone because of their sexual orientation (or the fact that they are ‘flaunting it’ by being ‘flamboyant’) is the same thing as not liking someone because of the color of their skin. I have no room for people like that in my life. So, I ended the date shortly after that conversation.

He texted me a few days later, and I told him that I didn’t think we’d be a good match.

A few days later, he called me to try to convince me that I was wrong, and we ended up getting into a very heated discussion. His opinions about Gay men came up again, and again, he claimed that he had nothing against Gay people he just didn’t like when they ‘flaunt’ it. At this point I just wished he would stop flaunting his stupidity.

I just don’t want to hear about all the men they’re sleeping with.

But it’s OK for a straight man to act extra macho / alpha male and talk about all the ‘bitches they’re fucking’?

Yeah, well that’s different.

smh…I just can’t with this guy.

He then went on to say a bunch of other ridiculous things that I can’t remember because it was over a year ago, and it was too absurd to stick in my memory. Eventually I got so disgusted and annoyed with him that I ended up yelling

You know the reason we won’t work is because I think that you’re really really stupid! The things that come out of your mouth actually make my skin crawl. You make me sick to my stomach.

Then I hung up.

Of course, it makes total sense that he’s reached out to me 3 times since then to hang out.

Oh…that doesn’t make sense to you?

Yeah, me either.

misery loves company

When it comes to awkward, funny or just plain awful dates, I have stories for days!

But it doesn’t have to be ALL about me.

If you, or someone you know, has a funny / crazy / unbelievably ridiculous date or relationship story to share, please email me at:

theromanticallychallengedblog@gmail.com

Any submissions will be kept anonymous (unless asked not to) – and while I would never change your story, I do reserve the right to edit based on spelling/grammar.

That includes stories from both sexes by the way…and while I’m specifying – all sexual orientations too! I want to hear from everyone!