boo-boo

I was on my way to the grocery store last weekend, when someone started walking along side of me. At first I didn’t think anything of it because it was a beautiful day and the streets were really crowded. Then I heard:

Excuse me BooBoo, can I talk to you for a minute.

I was shocked that someone was actually using “BooBoo” as a term of endearment and I slowly turned my head to see if it was a joke. The man walking next to me was staring at me, dead serious and from the looks of it, incredibly high.

I smiled and said “no thank you.” His response was

“It’s ’cause I’m black, right?”

Immediately about 5 different responses flooded my head:

What the fuck are you talking about, I’m black myself.

No, it’s because you just called me BooBoo

No, it’s because I’m just not interested.

No, it’s because you look like you’re high as fuck.

No, it’s because you look like you have no job, no education, and hang out at the corner store all day.

Instead I briefly paused, took a deep breath, and kept it moving. As I walked away I hear “yeah, it’s ’cause I’m black.”

Meanwhile, in the Tinderverse, here are some gems that either myself or my friends have come across:

tinder guy 3

tinder guy1

tinder guy2

Keep it classy fellas…..

wtf

A few weekends ago (Labor Day Weekend), I experienced the most bizarre sequence of events…

Friday, “the racist” texted me to ask what I was up to for the holiday. I honestly had no desire to see him again, but I figured I’d give him one more chance. I told him that I didn’t have any plans, and asked him the same question…and he never responded back.

Ok, no big deal.

Then the next day at around 3pm he texts me:

“I’m on my way to Brooklyn for the Guinness festival. I’ll drink plenty of beer in your honor”

Huh?

First of all, I’m not dead. You don’t have to drink in my honor or poor some out for the homies. Second, why would you even bother letting me know you are going to be in my area if you aren’t going to invite me to hang out? Why bother even reaching out?

Considering the fact that I was already pretty over this dude based on his ignorant comments the week before, I didn’t bother responding to his text. I was done.

Later that night, my friend and I decided to head to a bar in Williamsburg for a little change of pace.

It was pretty dead so we decided to leave after a couple of drinks.

We were waiting on the G train platform when this guy walks by and checks my friend out. He was clearly intoxicated, so we paid him no mind. Then he stumbles back and tells my friend, in a very thick Russian accent, how beautiful he thinks she is. Then he call her his Mexican Princess.

She’s Salvadoran.

She tells him she’s not Mexican and he then continues to guess what nationality she is. After about 5 guesses he gives up, then starts to sing a song to her in Spanish.

I’m talking full verses, a chorus and a hook.

The train finally came and we ended up ditching him.

I had to transfer to another train to get home. As I’m waiting on the platform, a man who looked like he might have been homeless approached me. Here was the conversation:

Him: Do you smoke weed?

Me: Nope.

Him: Oh my God, your nose ring is gorgeous!

Me: Thanks.

Him: I think I just fell in love with you.

Me: Ok.

Him: What’s your name?

Me: Amber

Him: Ooh did you ever watch Clueless.

Me: Yep.

Him: I used to love her! (referring to the woman who played “Amber” in the movie)

Me: Oh ok.

Him: No..but really. I mean…I used to (imitates jerking off) looooove her.

Me: Oh. Wow. Ok.

Him: Like…I used to be a squirter for her.

Me: Awesome.

Him: So are you single?

Me: Nope.

Him: Do you have any friends that look like you?

Me: Nope.

Him: Oh..do you drink? Me and You and Your friends should all hang out. And I can be a squirter for your friends.

Me: Nope. I think I’m good. No thanks. Have a nice night though.

Him: OK.

He then walked up to another man on the platform and asked him if HE smoked weed.

Jump to 2:30am

I get another text from the racist: “you been drinking watermelon?!”

For those of you who don’t know, these are lyrics to a very popular Beyoncé song. The theory is that when she says “I’ve been drinking…watermelon…” she’s talking about swallowing.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I tried to word it in classier terms, but really…how can you make swallowing sound classy?

Of course i was immediately offended, and responded “Excuse me?!”

And again…no response.

Then I figured, you know what? He’s probably drunk and maybe…just maybe…he didn’t mean it that way. There are still a lot of people who don’t even know what that lyric is supposed to mean.

Then the next afternoon he responds to my “excuse me” text:

Him: They’re the lyrics to a Beyoncé song.

Me: Yeah, I know they are. Do you know what they mean??

Him: My friends told me an interpretation which I found amusing.

Me: (back to being offended because he knew exactly what he was implying with that line) Probably not something you want to text a woman. EVER.

Him: Let me guess, you didn’t like that.

Me: Not at all.

Him: Lol. ok.

??

LOL, OK? I can’t with this guy. Not only did he say that he doesn’t trust white people (strike 1) then basically tells me he’s going to be in my area but doesn’t want to hang out (strike 2), he now just asked me if I’d been swallowing that weekend (strike 3).

I’M SO DONE.

So of course, I don’t respond to him.

Then….

Him: Do something fun yesterday?

Me: ::Crickets::

Him: Well, I guess you’re upset. Enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend. I’m sure I’ll see you at (insert the bar where we met) next summer! 😉

Me: ::still Crickets::

 

 

 

Dick Pics

I found this Gem on Huffington Post today, and it’s definitely worth 3:46 minutes of your time. 

One of my biggest pet peeves is when a man asks me to ‘send them a pic,’ especially when I just met them. I don’t send pictures of myself via text,or over internet in general, and this is why.

Just as bad as being asked for pictures…is getting unsolicited photos sent to me. Luckily, I’ve never gotten and ‘dick pics’ sent to me, just random Selfies (side note: Selfies are very rarely a good look for a man. Like almost never), but I think I’m in the minority. Most women I know have received at least one dick pic, and I can’t help but wonder what the hell is going through these men’s minds when they send it.

Do they think we find it sexy? (in all fairness – I’m sure some women do)

Do they think that if they send us theirs, we’ll send them ours? (doubtful, but I guess it’s worth a shot)

Do they think that their dick is so beautiful and magnificent that it needs to be shared with the world, one stranger at a time? (it’s probably not)

While I can’t get into a man’s mind to find out what they are thinking as they snap, attach, and send these dick pics – this video is pretty spot on in covering all the things that go through a woman’s mind when she receives them. 

You can find the full Huffington Post article here.

 

#2

A few weeks ago, I went to one of my new favorite bars in my area with a couple of friends. We were sitting on the back deck area watching a funny video online that my friend had never seen (it was a pretty slow night) when these two guys came up and asked if they could sit with us. Considering the fact that, as I just mentioned, it was a slow night, and the fact that one of the guys had already sat down, we let them sit with us.

They both ended up being pretty cool guys and we hung out with them for about an hour before they had to go. The guy that sat next to me was pretty cute, so when he asked for my number I figured ‘sure, why not?’

As they were heading out we all stood up to give friendly hugs goodbye, and as I stood up the guy I gave my number to looked up at me and said “wow, you’re tall.”

I’m 5’2 1/2″…5’3″ on a good day.

That is the first time ANYONE has told me I was tall. Ever. And I’ve definitely never heard that come out of a man’s mouth before. But I was a little tipsy, so I ignored the comment.

The next day, he reached out and asked if I wanted to come to his place…he wanted to cook me dinner. I told him that I wasn’t comfortable going to a relative stranger’s house (call me old fashioned) but that I’d be happy to meet up for a drink in a public place.

He agreed.

So we decided on a place in our area.

It took a little longer to get there than I thought, mainly because I was looking for the place for a good 5 minutes before I realized I was on the wrong street (don’t judge me). I called him to tell him I was running a little late, and he said he was ’10 minutes away.

20 minutes later he showed up. And he was shorter than I remembered. I’m SO glad I wore flat boots.

We sat at the bar, ordered some drinks and started talking. The conversation went really well – lots of laughs, etc. – with the exception of a few things:

1. He acted like he was  so tight with the bartender, and the bartender acted like he barely knew him.

2. He got distracted – a lot. Once he asked a woman about her ring mid-conversation (he’s a jewelry designer – not an excuse but just to give some background). Once he interrupted me mid-sentence because he saw a woman he swore he saw walking down the street the day before. He then proceeded to have a conversation with said woman, and asked me to put her number in her phone incase we (him and I) wanted to meet up with her friends later.

3. His phone rang 3 times in a row from the same number. He had the phone sitting face up on the bar, so of course I glanced at it every time it rang. And each time it was the same woman’s name. On the 3rd ring, he said “I’m sorry I have to take this” and went outside to answer.

4. He grabbed my arm while we were talking and noticed that they were pretty toned. He then asked me, what do you weigh? About 158? (I don’t know what it is with guys asking me my weight. See previous post, Heavy Lifter). Considering the fact that I’m pretty short and small framed, AND had just recently lost 10 lbs, I was really offended by the 158 question.

Are you serious? You think I weigh 158??

Well I don’t know, you’re really toned and I know muscle weighs more than fat so…

No, I don’t weigh 158. How much do YOU weigh??

I’m 158.

You think I weigh as much as you??? (In hindsight – considering this guy was about my height and probably a few jeans sizes LESS than me, that might make sense).

I don’t know I’m not good at guessing weight.

No. I weigh 130. But thanks. *guzzles wine*

After he payed for the bill (yes, he did at least do that right) we walked to a lounge near by. I had nothing else to do with my night, and I was tipsy enough that I was OK with another couple of hours with this dude.

On our way, he stopped at a corner store to grab a red bull, and bought me one.

No thanks, I don’t drink Red Bull. It gives me heart palpitations.

Red Bull gives everyone heart palpitations, isn’t that the point?

Well, I’m not a fan. And my Mom had to get surgery to correct an issue she had with recurring heart palpitations so I try to just avoid it if I can. Also, I think Red Bull tastes like shit.

I handed it back to him, thinking he would just throw it out, but instead he chugged the one he had, opened the one I gave him, and chugged that one. Gross.

We got to the lounge, and it was very loud and very packed. After we grabbed our drinks (him: one shot and one whiskey drink. Me: one glass of red wine), we made our way through the crowd to find a seat. As he tried to get past one (tall-ish) woman, he lightly tapped her to let her know he was coming past to the left of her. She turned and literally jumped when she looked down and saw him at shoulder level. She then turned and laughed with one of her friends.

Hopefully he didn’t notice, but I was mortified for him.

The rest of the night went alright. We had a couple drinks, dance a bit. Then it got too crowded and I started to get tired, so we headed out.

On our way home ( we live near each other) he stopped at the corner store and grabbed ANOTHER Red Bull. Then he took off his blazer and draped it around my shoulders after I had JUST commented on how nice it was outside. I told him I wasn’t cold, took off the blazer and handed it to him. Then he said “can you hold it for me?”

Uh..OK. I figured he just meant hold it while he was opening his Red Bull. But no…he had me holding that damn thing far after he was finished with his drink. Eventually I got a little annoyed and said “here I don’t want to hold your jacket anymore.”

We got to my apartment and he asked if I lived with a roommate.

No. I live alone

How’s that working out for you?

It’s great, I love it.

Can I come up and see your place?

Nope.

Why not? Just because I come up, doesn’t mean we have to have sex.

Oh well we’re definitely not having sex. That’s 100% not happening. But you’re not coming up either.

Why not?

Because there’s no need for you to come up to my apartment at 2:30 in the morning.

He left it alone.

Then he started squeezing my forearm, so I asked him what he was doing.

You have really big forearms.

What??! No I don’t. I have small arms.

No you don’t! Look (he puts his arm over mine) your forearms eclipse mine.

Are you serious? First of all, as a man you should NEVER, EVER point out that a woman has bigger arms than you. Not only do you risk the chance of making the woman feel bad, but more importantly you unknowingly emasculate yourself. This guy is already miniature. Pointing out that he could have potentially shopped at the Baby Gap was probably not his best move.

Then he went on about how beautiful he thought I was (still not coming up to my apartment, buddy) and asked me I thought my best physical feature was.

I don’t know. Maybe my legs…no my smile. People like my smile I’ll go with that.

Then he asked me to smile.

No. I’ve laughed enough times tonight for you to see my smile.

Then he made a big production at looking at my legs (I was wearing a skirt).

Ehh…they’re legs. And a lot of people have nice smiles. I think your best physical feature is these lines you get near your mouth when you smile. They’re not because you have high cheekbones. They’re just a part of your face. Not everyone has that. I think that’s your best physical feature.

What?!

So you ask me to tell you what I like about myself. Then when I tell you, you say…no you’re wrong, those things suck. I really like the lines in your face.

I can’t. Goodbye.

Oh…and I decided to Google him a couple of days later, and found a wordpress blog post about him. Apparently he lied. He said that he’s been here for less than a year when according to the blog (and his LinkedIn profile) he’s really been here over 2 years. Also, that number that was calling…that he eventually left our ‘date’ to answer? Yeah…it was the same name as a woman mentioned in the post, described as his “long-time girlfriend and future fiance.

Loser.

Brunch and Dinner

I know it’s been a while – and I apologize. It’s been a crazy few weeks – vacation, work, my 30th Birthday, and an upcoming surgery…busy busy busy.

But that’s not the point of this blog, so here is a couple of ‘interesting’ messages I’ve received recently…

Can u be my dinner date with my parents. I’d like to introduce u

You don’t even know me. Why would you want to introduce me to your parents??

I want to get to know you and they come in town at the end of the month, so it’s not immediate.

10 minutes later…

So that’s a no right?

Ya think?

And then there was this gem…

Hi,
I am sure you get lots of emails every day but I figured if I’m going to message anyone on this site it should be you. You’re definitely my type: curvy, cute & sexy at the same time and you’ve the greatest smile. To be honest I’m turned on by submissive, sensual women who enjoy being dominated in bed, or tied up during sex. I’m not just looking for sex, really just a brunch partner would be fine ( love brunch ) And I think we would make good cuddle buddies when we have time off from our busy lives.
-Jerry

What the….

ain’t nobody got time for that

image courtesy of bing image search

image courtesy of bing image search

So, apparently the guy from my same ol’ same ol’ post thought he could trick me by changing his screen name (same picture though) and sending me a new message.

image courtesy of bing image search

image courtesy of bing image search

sigh…

After his second attempt I told him, for the second time, that I wasn’t interested.

You’ve messaged me a couple of times and I said I wasn’t interested. But thanks.

He disabled his account and that was that.

Then, this morning I received a message from the same dude with a different screen name

Hi …my pants are on my hip , I have a career in Law Enforcement , I like to make people laugh as well … Lets see if we can make a connection … Ok?

No. Not Ok. Not Ok. NOT. OH. KAY.

For some reason, I feel like I’m in the drive-thru scene from Dude…Where’s My Car?…

 

So, I told him no – for the third time. A little more directly.

Listen – using a new screen name isn’t fooling me. This is now the third time I’m telling you I’m not interested. No means no dude, leave me alone.

His response?

Wow you actually counted ..I’m impressed .. 

Psycho.

I responded

Clearly, I’m not impressed.

Then blocked him.

when giving out your number goes wrong…again

It’s not very often that (what I consider) an attractive man asks me for my number on the street.

A kinda-decent-in-the-right-light looking guy – possibly.

A man you have absolutely zero interest or attraction to – most likely.

But a man who I’m actually attracted to? Hardly ever.

(and no, I’m not too picky – I can’t help who I am (and am not) attracted to. So save it)

Which is why, when I was on my way to the train and saw this fine piece of man walking towards me, I didn’t think anything of it and continued checking my email on my phone. When I looked up and noticed that he was staring at me, I thought maybe something was on my face. Then when he slowed down to say hello, I realized that he was showing interest in me.

Jackpot!

So we had a (very) brief conversation on the sidewalk before exchanging numbers.

The next day he sent me a text at 4:30pm.

This is how our conversation went:

Him: Hey

Me: Hey

Him: What u doing

Me: Working. You?

Him: in the city.

Now, this stumped me a little. I wasn’t sure if he was asking me if I worked in the city, or telling me that he was in the city. So I asked for clarification…

Me: You’re in the city?

Him: Yea

Me: Oh, Ok.

15 minutes later…

Him: Good day?

Me: Yeah, so far. It was pretty slow, which was nice. You? Are you working in the city?

Him: Yea I finished

Me: Oh ok.

Him: What time you finish

I’m trying really hard not to judge his grammar considering it’s via text.

He asked a few more questions (what time I got out of work, if I lived with roommates, etc etc) before saying:

I wish I could of seen you tonight somehow

At this point, not only is his grammar irking me, but I also wanted to remind him that he never actually asked to see me. If that was his way of asking, he’s going to have to do better. Since I wouldn’t have been able to meet up even if he had asked, I let it slide.

Me: What’s your schedule typically like?

Him: Changes

Me: Oh Ok.

5 days later…

Him: What’s up

Me: Nothing much just working. You?

Him: What’s you doing after work

Me: Meeting up with a couple of old coworkers

Him: When imma see you

No. None of what was just typed was a typo on my part. And yes, he did actually say When imma see you

Imma? Really? Look, I wouldn’t say that I speak ‘proper’ English all the time. In fact, I’ve definitely said ‘imma’ before – I’m a fast talker and my words tend to run into each other. However, you’re typing. You have the option of fixing that shit before you hit send. Just sayin’…

Me: Whenever you actually try to make plans to see me.

Him: tonight lol after your coworkers

This is now the 2nd time that this guy has tried to ‘make plans’ with me on the same day – within hours from when he wants to meet up. I’m all for spontaneity, but it would be nice if he actually asked ahead of time to take me out.

Me: I won’t be done until late.

Him: tomorrow

Me: I have class tomorrow, but I get out at 8:30. I can either meet up for then for a bit, or I can do next Wednesday after work.

Him: Next Wednesday then.

Me: Ok, sounds good.

Him: send me a pic

UGH! One of my biggest turn offs/ pet peeves is when a guy that I barely know (or in his case, don’t know at all) asks me to text him a picture (this comes second to wearing sunglasses at night – which we’ll get to shortly). It just comes off sleazy to me.

Me: why did you forget what I looked like already?

Him: no, I just wanted one

Me: Oh ok. I’m not really a big fan of sending pics. Sorry.

At this point I really didn’t want to anything to do with this guy, but it had been so long since I’d been on a date, I felt that I owed it to myself to go. Of course, I asked my friends what they thought and got mixed responses. Some saying just go, what can it hurt and others saying don’t waste your time. So I decided to think on it over the weekend.

And of course, he made my decision for me.

Monday night at 11p I get a text from him

I’m driving around bored…what u doing

Wow…how sweet.

Me: eating dinner

Him: can I see you?

Again with the last-minute bullshit. And this time it’s damn near midnight.

Me: um wow…really? No.

Him: why not how cum

Yes, my friends. That is how he spelled ‘how come.’ Gross.

Me: it’s quite clear that all you want to do is have sex, which is fine, but you come off really sleazy so I’m really just turned off now.

Him: are you crazy?

Ah, yes. There it is. The ‘you’re crazy’ line. Why is it that men always assume a woman is either crazy or a lesbian if they aren’t interested in them? Me telling you that it seems like all you want is sex when you constantly contact me last-minute and then reach out at 11pm because ‘you’re bored’ when I don’t even know you does not make me crazy. You haven’t seen crazy, boo boo.

Him: I want to come get you and have a drink

Well, at least he spelled ‘come’ correctly.

Me: It’s 11:30 at night and I work tomorrow, for one. For two, this is now the 3rd time that you’ve reached out right before you’re trying to ‘hang out.’ You have not once reached out to actually speak to me. No, I’m not crazy, I’m just no longer interested.

I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the night (shocker). I thought I wouldn’t hear from him at all, but then 2 days later…

I’m sorry…I really wanna get I know u

Again, not a typo on my part.

One month later…

Hi

2 Weeks after that…

blogger-image-577097617*

*Note: I would typically be against posting identifying information about someone on my blog (names, pictures, screen names, etc), but since this dude decided it was a good idea to text a random woman his picture, my guess is that he wouldn’t mind

These are wrong on SO many levels, but let’s just state the obvious, shall we?

1. Self portrait…in the bathroom mirror…wearing sunglasses…inside…

I don’t think I need to go on, but just for shits and giggles…

2. I have not responded to his texts in over a month. Not one. And the last time that I did respond, it was to tell him that I thought he was sleazy and that I was turned off and no longer interested.

Yes, sir, sending me unsolicited pictures of yourself in the bathroom mirror in a coca-cola shirt and sunglasses is a great idea! I have no idea why I would have gotten a sleazy vibe from you…

3. He sends me, not one, but THREE versions of said picture. Apparently, he couldn’t decide what pose was best – hat forward, hat backwards, or the ‘artistic’ side mirror angle.

Brilliant

A month and a half later I get another “Hi” text from him. Then the next day, I get a “Hey” text.

Now I’m starting to get annoyed. So I respond.

Me: I think you might have me confused with someone else. Please stop texting me.

Him: It’s (my name). I know exactly who you are. tub fronting.

I’m assuming that’s supposed to say STOP fronting. We all know by now that he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed. Either that, or his auto-correct hates him.

Me: Ok. Either way…please stop texting me. Thanks.

Him: smfh why

Me: I don’t even know you! You didn’t make a real attempt at all to get to know me before asking to come to my house and pick me up at almost midnight. I tell you I’m not interested and you keep texting me for months – one time to send me 3 pictures of yourself, taken BY yourself, in a bathroom mirror (wearing sunglasses indoors I might add)…

Him: I apologize for that. I’m trying to make better. I’m not that way.

Him: I don’t to be looked as that , lets restart and have a dinner date and talk , I can be a very gentleman.

Not that I should have to clarify this by now, but those are not typos on my part.

Me: No thank you.

Him:

ok...so maybe I feel a little bad putting his picture online. Since his face isn't covered with glasses and a hat, I blocked it out to protect the not so innocent.

ok…so maybe I feel a little bad putting his picture online. Since his face isn’t covered with glasses and a hat, I blocked it out to protect the not so innocent.

Ugh..this guy.

Me: Seriously leave me alone. I don’t want pictures of you. I don’t want a million ‘hi’ texts. Just stop. You claim you’re a gentleman, so act like one and stop bothering me.

So far that seemed to work. I have not heard from him since, and that was 4 months ago, so I think I’m in the clear.

Phew…

misery loves company

When it comes to awkward, funny or just plain awful dates, I have stories for days!

But it doesn’t have to be ALL about me.

If you, or someone you know, has a funny / crazy / unbelievably ridiculous date or relationship story to share, please email me at:

theromanticallychallengedblog@gmail.com

Any submissions will be kept anonymous (unless asked not to) – and while I would never change your story, I do reserve the right to edit based on spelling/grammar.

That includes stories from both sexes by the way…and while I’m specifying – all sexual orientations too! I want to hear from everyone!

no (response) means no

I’m sure it’s happened to everyone (who’s tried online dating) at least once. You take the time (or build up the courage) to initiate contact with someone you find interesting, only to have them completely ignore you. You know they’ve read it, and they showed up on the list of people who’ve recently viewed your profile – so the only logical explanation is that, for whatever reason, they just aren’t interested.

And that’s ok. I have no issue with someone ignoring my message if they aren’t interested. I get the hint and move on. No big deal.

Sure, they could respond and say “sorry, not interested,” but in the world of online dating – not responding is a nicer way of saying just that (in my opinion).

No response = no thank you.

What’s NOT ok is when you continue to message that person for days, weeks, or months hoping that they’ll eventually break down and respond. It’s annoying. And a little crazy.

For example:

Sep 22, 2012 – 12:01pm
luv the hair and the smile so how is your weekend?
Oct 13, 2012 – 8:20am
i luv those eyes and smile so can u please bring both of them out when we do dinner;)) how is your weekend luv? name is (xxxxx) and i would really like to get to know u. im not on here much so if u want u can call me.
 
Nov 5, 2012 – 8:47pm
sista cleo told me that u would be that woman for me…just before she went out of business …lol so i got an extra closet for your shoes ready so u can move in the house in boston;)) hope sandy didnt make u suffer much~get @ me luv…not on here much but if u will use it u can have my cell to call or text. xxx-xxx-xxxx – (name)
 
Ok crazy.
 
Of course, the first thing I thought was “Boston?! Are you crazy?! Did you not see the Yankee’s hat in one of my pics?!
 
Then there is this:
Sep 23, 2012 – 12:21pm
Wow I am so in love with you right now by far ! lol ! I’m Trey will you take my hand love !
Sep 23, 2012 – 8:39pm
You can say Hello to me !!
Sep 23, 2012 – 8:40pm
Well I will say hello to you 1st !
Oct 24, 2012 – 12:21am
How are you doing tonite ?
Nov 3, 2012 – 9:19pm
It’s not a crime to say Hi to me love at least not in NYC ! lol !!!
Nov 10, 2012 – 8:49pm
Call me xxx-xxx-xxxx Tr**
Dec 18, 2012 – 11:50am
Serious when are going to let me take you to dinner!
Finally I had to break down and explain to him that I wasn’t interested. And, yes, I could have done that sooner. But honestly, after the first couple of messages, you’d think it would be pretty obvious.
 
And…
Sep 30, 2012 – 9:58pm
Hi I read your profile and you seem like my kind of girl I like to get to know you
Sep 30, 2012 – 11:14pm
Hi How are you? 
Oct 10, 2012 – 9:19pm
Hi you beautiful and would like to know you more.
 
Oct 11, 2012 –11:35pm
Hi How are you. 
Oct 19, 2012 – 3:38pm
hi how are you so whats your name.
Nov 3, 2012 – 10:14pm
Hi how are you.
 
This also happens to be the guy that is going to get his master’s in ‘being a doctor.’
 
 
Then there are the times that I HAVE broken it down…and they still don’t get it
 
Oct 27, 2012 – 3:50am
Beautiful lady with a pretty smile! I truly like the energy and happiness on your face 😉 How are u?
Nov 3, 2012 – 9:27pm
Hello! How are u? The beauty I see on your profile feels so good. I probably emailed u before but I think I like your profile enough to try again 🙂 Do u mind being in touch?
Nov 5, 2012 – 1:22am
How is the beauty doing?. Over the pass few weeks I came across your profile several times and each time I got the “wow” moment. The reason why I’m here clearly is to make connection with someone I strongly feel I can connect with, like, love, build a relationship . I guess it starts from these simple contact emails. I want to know more about u, hear how ur day is going, share good conversations etc.. I’m still hoping to hear from you… Will it happen? Until then have a wonderful day 🙂
Nov 7, 2012 – 10:46pm
Hello! I like the good feeling coming from your profile. You look amazingly beautiful! It would be awesome to get to know a pretty lady like you. How are u liking it here?
 
Nov 7, 2012 – 10:54pm
ME: Hi, I’m very sorry but I’m just not interested.
 
You’d think it would end there, but no. Instead of messaging me, he decides to IM me.
December 26, 2012 – 11:36:06pm: Hello!
December 26, 2012 – 11:38:51pm: How are u?
 
ME:
December 26, 2012 – 11:40:10pm: I’m sorry, I’m really not interested as I’ve said before. Please stop messaging me.
 
HIM:
December 26, 2012 – 11:40:37pm: Sorry don’t remember. ok
How do you NOT remember someone telling you they aren’t interested?
 
Then, as I was showing my friends the incessant messages over a bottle of wine, I accidentally clicked on his profile.
 
Shit.
 
A few minutes later, he sends me a message:
Liking anything about my profile?
 
Uuugh! Then a few days later:
I keep bumping into ur profile. Good luck or bad luck? 🙂 
 
And one guy passes on the traditional messaging, and goes right to IMing me. The creepy thing is that he just so happens to IM me within seconds of me signing on.
October 14, 2012
11:49:25pm: (my screen name)
11:49:26pm: supppp
11:49:47pm: how goes it tonight
11:54:23pm: nada?
October 15, 2012
8:14:00pm: hello robo (my screen name)
November 25, 2012
11:30:57pm: (my screen name) how goes it?
December 2, 2012
9:26:14pm: boo
 
 The fact that he looked like a serial killer didn’t help.
 
I have since figured out how to turn off the IM option on my account.
 
 
 

way too much

A couple of weeks ago, I received this message on OkCupid. I honestly haven’t read through the whole thing until just now. It’s pretty long – and a bit disturbing considering this is coming from someone I’ve never even exchanged hello’s with. His screen name makes it even worse. I try really hard not to mention people’s real, full, or screen names on here, but I’ll just say it has the word ‘Penetrating’ in it…which really isn’t a good idea for a screen name for an online dating site. Or just a screen name in general, really.

I’m sure this was copied from some Harlequin Novel, and he copies and pastes it to a slew of different women, but it makes for an interesting read, nonetheless…

I’ve decided that it doesn’t make sense to limit the pool of women under consideration to just those relatively few who happen to live within a few miles of me, when it is overwhelmingly likely that the one whose contours best fit my own is among the relatively many who don’t. Geography can be transcended, if necessary. Not finding the right person can’t be.

But distance means relying on our imaginations a bit more at the outset, so, let’s see if mine appeals to you as much as you already appeal to me:

You stood draped in the dusky mist of a moonlit night, alone, in a realm conjured from shared dreams, seducing the unseen and the unknown. You felt my presence, knew I was there admiring you, but somehow couldn’t quite see me in the shadows, weren’t quite sure where to look. Such is the nature of dream realms, not quite like those in which we live, but sometimes more like reality than reality itself, distilled and carved from the fabric of truth.

You knew that your curves, the shimmer of your dark-nylon-clad legs, the draw of your ample cleavage beneath its own translucent veil of fabric, held my eye captive and made my body yearn, and that the dulcet sounds of your voice, like a siren’s song reaching a shipwrecked sailor, filled me with awe and desire.

I’d like to quickly interject that this is clearly a copy and paste deal, because I’m pretty sure ‘ample’ is not the first word that would come to mind when looking at my cleavage. Trust me.

And there you were now, on a balcony overlooking a tapestry of dark shadows amid cascades of soft white moonlight, wondering where I was, who I was, and why I, who knew only a hint of who you were, desired you so ardently.

Somehow, you knew I was in those shadows, had willed me to be there, had conjured me from your own desires. In your heart you knew that I was not a man with any patience left for the dry rituals of modern courtship, the cautious distance and coolness of a world woven of mutual distrust; you had not conjured such a man, had not made manifest any desire for such a man. You wanted, though you feared, something more, a man who lived and loved boldly and responded only to boldness in others. You knew that such a man could only be intrigued by someone with the courage to seduce, and so, like Christine Daaé*, allowed yourself to long for a phantom who filled your darkest dreams.

Christine Eloise Mary Daaé is a fictional character and the female protagonist of Gaston Leroux‘s 1910 novel The Phantom of the Opera. She is a young singer with whom the main character Erik, the Phantom of the Opera falls in love.

image from wikipedia

image from wikipedia

Yes, I had to look that up on Wikipedia. And to be honest, I had to look up most of the words from this message on dictionary.com.

And so there you found yourself, draped in moonlight and dark translucence, feeling hidden eyes ravaging you, in the grip of a hard resolve that was both present and remote. You knew my passions and preferences, knew how to overpower me with your allure, how to make me long for you absolutely. You moved with the knowledge of how to do so, of what to reveal and what to hide. You strummed the strings of my imagination like a harpist enchanting a hungry heart, every movement and gesture and sly little smile another note in your symphony of subtle seduction.

You trembled inwardly at the madness of it all, of this creation of a shared space spun from fantasies and fetishes, but knew that it was a sweet madness, an opportunity to experience something unique and wonderful that comes along just once in every several lifetimes. The normal and mundane rituals by which we seek to realize the magic of love are too safe to yield that rare gem. It is a seed that germinates most naturally in chance encounters, and grows in the soil of some combination of uncertainty and excitement.

And so you stood there, on display, aroused by your ability to arouse a man you couldn’t help but be intrigued by. You imagined what it would feel like to have me there with you, devouring you with my eyes, enfolding you in my arms, filling and fulfilling you with my passion. You had strummed the harp of my desires that brought me there, and now longed to be strummed in turn, the harp of your own desire played by a maestro whose every stroke and pluck would elicit moans and murmurs and muffled pleas.

At last you turned away, walked back toward the French doors separating the balcony from the bedroom, wondering if I had been nothing but a mirage after all, something you had imagined and wished for but had never been real. The anticipation and tension in your body began to release, a mixture of disappointment and relief washing over you. But it was just in that moment that you felt me behind you, warm and immediate and very, very real. And your whole body quivered with the realization that something truly extraordinary was about to happen….

To be continued?

No, Sir. This will not be continued. In fact, it never should have begun. And for the record – if I ever felt you behind me, ‘warm, immediate, and very very real,’ the only extraordinary thing that would happen is a heel to your balls or an elbow to your jaw. Juuust sayin’