boo-boo

I was on my way to the grocery store last weekend, when someone started walking along side of me. At first I didn’t think anything of it because it was a beautiful day and the streets were really crowded. Then I heard:

Excuse me BooBoo, can I talk to you for a minute.

I was shocked that someone was actually using “BooBoo” as a term of endearment and I slowly turned my head to see if it was a joke. The man walking next to me was staring at me, dead serious and from the looks of it, incredibly high.

I smiled and said “no thank you.” His response was

“It’s ’cause I’m black, right?”

Immediately about 5 different responses flooded my head:

What the fuck are you talking about, I’m black myself.

No, it’s because you just called me BooBoo

No, it’s because I’m just not interested.

No, it’s because you look like you’re high as fuck.

No, it’s because you look like you have no job, no education, and hang out at the corner store all day.

Instead I briefly paused, took a deep breath, and kept it moving. As I walked away I hear “yeah, it’s ’cause I’m black.”

Meanwhile, in the Tinderverse, here are some gems that either myself or my friends have come across:

tinder guy 3

tinder guy1

tinder guy2

Keep it classy fellas…..

wtf

A few weekends ago (Labor Day Weekend), I experienced the most bizarre sequence of events…

Friday, “the racist” texted me to ask what I was up to for the holiday. I honestly had no desire to see him again, but I figured I’d give him one more chance. I told him that I didn’t have any plans, and asked him the same question…and he never responded back.

Ok, no big deal.

Then the next day at around 3pm he texts me:

“I’m on my way to Brooklyn for the Guinness festival. I’ll drink plenty of beer in your honor”

Huh?

First of all, I’m not dead. You don’t have to drink in my honor or poor some out for the homies. Second, why would you even bother letting me know you are going to be in my area if you aren’t going to invite me to hang out? Why bother even reaching out?

Considering the fact that I was already pretty over this dude based on his ignorant comments the week before, I didn’t bother responding to his text. I was done.

Later that night, my friend and I decided to head to a bar in Williamsburg for a little change of pace.

It was pretty dead so we decided to leave after a couple of drinks.

We were waiting on the G train platform when this guy walks by and checks my friend out. He was clearly intoxicated, so we paid him no mind. Then he stumbles back and tells my friend, in a very thick Russian accent, how beautiful he thinks she is. Then he call her his Mexican Princess.

She’s Salvadoran.

She tells him she’s not Mexican and he then continues to guess what nationality she is. After about 5 guesses he gives up, then starts to sing a song to her in Spanish.

I’m talking full verses, a chorus and a hook.

The train finally came and we ended up ditching him.

I had to transfer to another train to get home. As I’m waiting on the platform, a man who looked like he might have been homeless approached me. Here was the conversation:

Him: Do you smoke weed?

Me: Nope.

Him: Oh my God, your nose ring is gorgeous!

Me: Thanks.

Him: I think I just fell in love with you.

Me: Ok.

Him: What’s your name?

Me: Amber

Him: Ooh did you ever watch Clueless.

Me: Yep.

Him: I used to love her! (referring to the woman who played “Amber” in the movie)

Me: Oh ok.

Him: No..but really. I mean…I used to (imitates jerking off) looooove her.

Me: Oh. Wow. Ok.

Him: Like…I used to be a squirter for her.

Me: Awesome.

Him: So are you single?

Me: Nope.

Him: Do you have any friends that look like you?

Me: Nope.

Him: Oh..do you drink? Me and You and Your friends should all hang out. And I can be a squirter for your friends.

Me: Nope. I think I’m good. No thanks. Have a nice night though.

Him: OK.

He then walked up to another man on the platform and asked him if HE smoked weed.

Jump to 2:30am

I get another text from the racist: “you been drinking watermelon?!”

For those of you who don’t know, these are lyrics to a very popular Beyoncé song. The theory is that when she says “I’ve been drinking…watermelon…” she’s talking about swallowing.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I tried to word it in classier terms, but really…how can you make swallowing sound classy?

Of course i was immediately offended, and responded “Excuse me?!”

And again…no response.

Then I figured, you know what? He’s probably drunk and maybe…just maybe…he didn’t mean it that way. There are still a lot of people who don’t even know what that lyric is supposed to mean.

Then the next afternoon he responds to my “excuse me” text:

Him: They’re the lyrics to a Beyoncé song.

Me: Yeah, I know they are. Do you know what they mean??

Him: My friends told me an interpretation which I found amusing.

Me: (back to being offended because he knew exactly what he was implying with that line) Probably not something you want to text a woman. EVER.

Him: Let me guess, you didn’t like that.

Me: Not at all.

Him: Lol. ok.

??

LOL, OK? I can’t with this guy. Not only did he say that he doesn’t trust white people (strike 1) then basically tells me he’s going to be in my area but doesn’t want to hang out (strike 2), he now just asked me if I’d been swallowing that weekend (strike 3).

I’M SO DONE.

So of course, I don’t respond to him.

Then….

Him: Do something fun yesterday?

Me: ::Crickets::

Him: Well, I guess you’re upset. Enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend. I’m sure I’ll see you at (insert the bar where we met) next summer! 😉

Me: ::still Crickets::

 

 

 

[Don’t] Google It

I met a Man this weekend who seems really nice and, dare I say…normal. He’s 37, he has a job, and he doesn’t have any children.

Naturally, I’m skeptical. And I had the thought (numerous thoughts, numerous times over the past few days, actually) to Google him. But so far, I haven’t, and here’s why.

I think that Googling a person can ruin things before they even start.

There are usually two reasons why you Google someone.

  1. You’re digging for some dirt.
  2. You’re just being nosy and taking advantage of the information that is readily at your fingertips.

Both are totally understandable, and I have Googled people for either one or both of those reasons before. But I don’t think it’s a good habit to get into, and it’s one that I’m trying to break.

First, if you’re digging for some dirt, you’re already distrusting them. Unless the person has done something shady to give you a reason to question them (like this, or this), you have no reason to search for dirt. Especially if you haven’t even been on a real date with the person yet. If you are that distrusting of them before you’ve even dated them, you probably shouldn’t have given them your number in the first place. 

If you’re just being nosey and seeing what information you can find, you’re taking away from the fun of the date. Isn’t that the point of going out with someone? To get to know them? If you find out all or most of the information on your own, you then have to sit through an evening of information you already know but have to pretend NOT to know so you don’t look like a stalker.

I think it can be more work than it’s worth.

Virtual Reality

I never made it to 30 dates.

Sigh.

I got 1/3 of the way there, which counts for something I guess.

 

I did meet a guy at a Fourth of July party this past weekend who seemed really nice. We exchanged numbers but I have yet to hear from him.

I did, however, just receive a Facebook friend request from him.

I want to first say that I’m keeping an open mind, and this in no way means that he’s out of the running.

So to all of my friends/family who are reading this and already drafting a text or email chastising me for being too picky – hear me out before you get all judgey.

BUT…

The fact that he went out of his way to find me on Facebook and has yet to (at the very least) text me, makes me feel a certain way. He asked me at least three times if he could call me/take me out or some variation of that, but instead of actually using my number he took the time to search through friends of friends to find me on Facebook.

It takes a while…trust me – I looked for his profile as well. I couldn’t remember exactly what he looked like so I went searching for pictures. But I didn’t friend request him. I also wasn’t the one who made such a big deal about calling and hanging out.

I guess it just speaks to the state of communication these days.  You have my phone number…the most direct way to contact me. I’m willing to bet half of my ‘friends’ on Facebook don’t even have my phone number. Instead of using that number (that you nervously went out of your way to get) to develop a real life connection or friendship, you’d rather be my virtual friend.

Again, I get that it’s not THAT big of a deal. And he might actually give me a call or text tomorrow.

Now I’m stuck with a pending friend request taunting my home page. A tiny little red 1 waiting to be answered…the thing is, we’re not friends right now. I don’t need him to have access to all my photos and status updates. He doesn’t need to know where I am or who I’m with if someone happens to tag me somewhere. I don’t even know the guy, and if we end up not being friends in real life, it’s so much easier to just not reach out to someone than it is to de-friend them. The latter takes so much effort and holds much more weight than simply ignoring a person’s calls.