wtf

A few weekends ago (Labor Day Weekend), I experienced the most bizarre sequence of events…

Friday, “the racist” texted me to ask what I was up to for the holiday. I honestly had no desire to see him again, but I figured I’d give him one more chance. I told him that I didn’t have any plans, and asked him the same question…and he never responded back.

Ok, no big deal.

Then the next day at around 3pm he texts me:

“I’m on my way to Brooklyn for the Guinness festival. I’ll drink plenty of beer in your honor”

Huh?

First of all, I’m not dead. You don’t have to drink in my honor or poor some out for the homies. Second, why would you even bother letting me know you are going to be in my area if you aren’t going to invite me to hang out? Why bother even reaching out?

Considering the fact that I was already pretty over this dude based on his ignorant comments the week before, I didn’t bother responding to his text. I was done.

Later that night, my friend and I decided to head to a bar in Williamsburg for a little change of pace.

It was pretty dead so we decided to leave after a couple of drinks.

We were waiting on the G train platform when this guy walks by and checks my friend out. He was clearly intoxicated, so we paid him no mind. Then he stumbles back and tells my friend, in a very thick Russian accent, how beautiful he thinks she is. Then he call her his Mexican Princess.

She’s Salvadoran.

She tells him she’s not Mexican and he then continues to guess what nationality she is. After about 5 guesses he gives up, then starts to sing a song to her in Spanish.

I’m talking full verses, a chorus and a hook.

The train finally came and we ended up ditching him.

I had to transfer to another train to get home. As I’m waiting on the platform, a man who looked like he might have been homeless approached me. Here was the conversation:

Him: Do you smoke weed?

Me: Nope.

Him: Oh my God, your nose ring is gorgeous!

Me: Thanks.

Him: I think I just fell in love with you.

Me: Ok.

Him: What’s your name?

Me: Amber

Him: Ooh did you ever watch Clueless.

Me: Yep.

Him: I used to love her! (referring to the woman who played “Amber” in the movie)

Me: Oh ok.

Him: No..but really. I mean…I used to (imitates jerking off) looooove her.

Me: Oh. Wow. Ok.

Him: Like…I used to be a squirter for her.

Me: Awesome.

Him: So are you single?

Me: Nope.

Him: Do you have any friends that look like you?

Me: Nope.

Him: Oh..do you drink? Me and You and Your friends should all hang out. And I can be a squirter for your friends.

Me: Nope. I think I’m good. No thanks. Have a nice night though.

Him: OK.

He then walked up to another man on the platform and asked him if HE smoked weed.

Jump to 2:30am

I get another text from the racist: “you been drinking watermelon?!”

For those of you who don’t know, these are lyrics to a very popular Beyoncé song. The theory is that when she says “I’ve been drinking…watermelon…” she’s talking about swallowing.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I tried to word it in classier terms, but really…how can you make swallowing sound classy?

Of course i was immediately offended, and responded “Excuse me?!”

And again…no response.

Then I figured, you know what? He’s probably drunk and maybe…just maybe…he didn’t mean it that way. There are still a lot of people who don’t even know what that lyric is supposed to mean.

Then the next afternoon he responds to my “excuse me” text:

Him: They’re the lyrics to a Beyoncé song.

Me: Yeah, I know they are. Do you know what they mean??

Him: My friends told me an interpretation which I found amusing.

Me: (back to being offended because he knew exactly what he was implying with that line) Probably not something you want to text a woman. EVER.

Him: Let me guess, you didn’t like that.

Me: Not at all.

Him: Lol. ok.

??

LOL, OK? I can’t with this guy. Not only did he say that he doesn’t trust white people (strike 1) then basically tells me he’s going to be in my area but doesn’t want to hang out (strike 2), he now just asked me if I’d been swallowing that weekend (strike 3).

I’M SO DONE.

So of course, I don’t respond to him.

Then….

Him: Do something fun yesterday?

Me: ::Crickets::

Him: Well, I guess you’re upset. Enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend. I’m sure I’ll see you at (insert the bar where we met) next summer! ;)

Me: ::still Crickets::

 

 

 

Dick Pics

I found this Gem on Huffington Post today, and it’s definitely worth 3:46 minutes of your time. 

One of my biggest pet peeves is when a man asks me to ‘send them a pic,’ especially when I just met them. I don’t send pictures of myself via text,or over internet in general, and this is why.

Just as bad as being asked for pictures…is getting unsolicited photos sent to me. Luckily, I’ve never gotten and ‘dick pics’ sent to me, just random Selfies (side note: Selfies are very rarely a good look for a man. Like almost never), but I think I’m in the minority. Most women I know have received at least one dick pic, and I can’t help but wonder what the hell is going through these men’s minds when they send it.

Do they think we find it sexy? (in all fairness – I’m sure some women do)

Do they think that if they send us theirs, we’ll send them ours? (doubtful, but I guess it’s worth a shot)

Do they think that their dick is so beautiful and magnificent that it needs to be shared with the world, one stranger at a time? (it’s probably not)

While I can’t get into a man’s mind to find out what they are thinking as they snap, attach, and send these dick pics – this video is pretty spot on in covering all the things that go through a woman’s mind when she receives them. 

You can find the full Huffington Post article here.

 

I love white people

I had my first date with the guy I met the other, and it was pretty uneventful.

He’s a nice guy, but some thing just seemed kind of…off.

First, he definitely didn’t seem like a 37 year old man. He came across very immature and it was very hard for him to be serious. And his way of flirting was similar to that of a 12 year old boy, except instead of pulling my hair he was poking fun of me or starting little arguments.

Lame.

The one thing that stuck out the most about the night was when he told me that he doesn’t trust White people. Considering the fact that I’m half White (a fact that he knew) and that all my family gatherings are filled with a lot of amazing, hilarious, loving, welcoming, trustworthy (white) people, I felt a little uncomfortable with the statement.

Ok VERY uncomfortable with the statement.

I don’t know what his past experiences have been like to have him feel that way, and he has the right to his opinions and feelings… but that’s definitely not a comment you should make on a first date…

I’m not one to keep my mouth shut, so we had a discussion about it. Lets just say it didn’t go so well, and I decided that it would be best if we just changed the subject.

The night continued as it had started…him being slightly awkward, starting little arguments, etc etc, until I finally grew tired of it. Literally. I was actually yawning.

So he walked me to the train, gave me a hug goodbye, and we said we’d be in touch.

To be honest, I’d be totally fine if I never saw him again.

[Don't] Google It

I met a Man this weekend who seems really nice and, dare I say…normal. He’s 37, he has a job, and he doesn’t have any children.

Naturally, I’m skeptical. And I had the thought (numerous thoughts, numerous times over the past few days, actually) to Google him. But so far, I haven’t, and here’s why.

I think that Googling a person can ruin things before they even start.

There are usually two reasons why you Google someone.

  1. You’re digging for some dirt.
  2. You’re just being nosy and taking advantage of the information that is readily at your fingertips.

Both are totally understandable, and I have Googled people for either one or both of those reasons before. But I don’t think it’s a good habit to get into, and it’s one that I’m trying to break.

First, if you’re digging for some dirt, you’re already distrusting them. Unless the person has done something shady to give you a reason to question them (like this, or this), you have no reason to search for dirt. Especially if you haven’t even been on a real date with the person yet. If you are that distrusting of them before you’ve even dated them, you probably shouldn’t have given them your number in the first place. 

If you’re just being nosey and seeing what information you can find, you’re taking away from the fun of the date. Isn’t that the point of going out with someone? To get to know them? If you find out all or most of the information on your own, you then have to sit through an evening of information you already know but have to pretend NOT to know so you don’t look like a stalker.

I think it can be more work than it’s worth.

Virtual Reality

I never made it to 30 dates.

Sigh.

I got 1/3 of the way there, which counts for something I guess.

 

I did meet a guy at a Fourth of July party this past weekend who seemed really nice. We exchanged numbers but I have yet to hear from him.

I did, however, just receive a Facebook friend request from him.

I want to first say that I’m keeping an open mind, and this in no way means that he’s out of the running.

So to all of my friends/family who are reading this and already drafting a text or email chastising me for being too picky – hear me out before you get all judgey.

BUT…

The fact that he went out of his way to find me on Facebook and has yet to (at the very least) text me, makes me feel a certain way. He asked me at least three times if he could call me/take me out or some variation of that, but instead of actually using my number he took the time to search through friends of friends to find me on Facebook.

It takes a while…trust me – I looked for his profile as well. I couldn’t remember exactly what he looked like so I went searching for pictures. But I didn’t friend request him. I also wasn’t the one who made such a big deal about calling and hanging out.

I guess it just speaks to the state of communication these days.  You have my phone number…the most direct way to contact me. I’m willing to bet half of my ‘friends’ on Facebook don’t even have my phone number. Instead of using that number (that you nervously went out of your way to get) to develop a real life connection or friendship, you’d rather be my virtual friend.

Again, I get that it’s not THAT big of a deal. And he might actually give me a call or text tomorrow.

Now I’m stuck with a pending friend request taunting my home page. A tiny little red 1 waiting to be answered…the thing is, we’re not friends right now. I don’t need him to have access to all my photos and status updates. He doesn’t need to know where I am or who I’m with if someone happens to tag me somewhere. I don’t even know the guy, and if we end up not being friends in real life, it’s so much easier to just not reach out to someone than it is to de-friend them. The latter takes so much effort and holds much more weight than simply ignoring a person’s calls.

9 and 10

Ok, I’m behind on posting about my recent dates…so I’m going to put 9 and 10 into one post because I’d like to get past this guy as quickly as possible.

Read on…you’ll see why

9

The day after date 8, ‘the singer’ texted me to ask how my day was going. I told him I was crazy busy at work, and he offered to bring me sushi.

I was confused…I told him that I wouldn’t be able to actually eat lunch with him because I was too busy to leave. And he said “it’s ok, I’ll eat mine before I come, and just drop yours off to you.”

What?? How sweet is that?! And he actually did it. He came all the way downtown, brought me lunch, gave me a hug and left. Seriously, the nicest thing someone has done for me.

That night we had plans to hang out for a little while. So we met up and watched a movie at my place. When he got there he had some Caribbean food in hand for me. Again – super sweet!

The next day I heard from him via text and he wanted to hang out again. I told him I couldn’t because I had my first grad school class that night and wouldn’t be home until 11pm or later. So he asked if we could hang out the next night. Again, I told him that I don’t think it would be a good idea because I had homework to get done. I explained to him that I really liked hanging out with him, but my schedule is a little crazy right now because I had just started my Master’s Program and I’m still adjusting to the new workload. He said he understood and that we’d plan something for that weekend.

Then Wednesday he text me during the day to check in and I told him how much work my classes are and that I would be heading right home from work to get caught up on homework for the rest of the night.

Then he calls me that night and wants to talk for an hour. Again, I had to explain to him that, while I would love to talk to him for hours I really needed to focus on my work. Between my job and my classes, I was incredibly stressed out and needed to get everything under control.

Then he asked to hang out Thursday night.

Sigh.

I told him that I actually had my Krav Maga class on Thursday nights and since I can only go once a week I really couldn’t cancel it. I told him I got out at 930 and then was heading right home.

At 9:45 he called me.

I explained to him, again, about my workload. But I told him that we could meet up Friday after work for a quick bite to eat.

That was date 10

It went very well. He was very sweet, a gentlemen…all that. We had dinner and grabbed another drink afterwards at a nearby bar. Then he walked me to the subway and I headed home at a reasonable hour so I could get up the next morning to do work.

I was supposed to see him that Sunday to watch the Superbowl, but I ended up canceling because…yeah..the homework thing. He was very understanding about it, which was a relief.

Then Monday happened. We were texting a little throughout the day, and he said to call him when I got home and settled, because he had something he wanted to talk to me about.

Oh boy.

I told him to just tell me now, I’m not a fan of that dramatic, ‘we need to talk’ nonsense, especially at this stage in the game. But he assured me it was actually good news so I let it go.

I called him when I got home and he basically asked me to co-sign a 150,000 loan for him.

Yeah…you definitely read that right, but go ahead and re-read that line anyway.

Apparently, his ‘financial consulting’ business helps get people large loans. The way he explained it was that I would sign on as the PG (personal guarantor) for a loan, and after 7 days when the loan went through, my name would be taken off the loan and he would be solely responsible for it.

And he’d give me 15,000 for my troubles.

To say I was in shock is an understatement. I had known this man for 1 week and a day. And he’s asking me to be a PG on a loan?? For 150,000 dollars?

Kanye-West-Blank-stare

111267

When I told him that 1. I don’t mix business (or more accurately MONEY) with pleasure, and 2.  I was really uncomfortable with the fact that he even asked me to do something like that…he just kept going..trying to sell me on the idea. He said:

“Just think about it and let me know. And whatever you decide won’t affect what we have. I just thought this is something we could both benefit from, but if you don’t want to do it, it’s cool”

Yeah…but no…it’s not ‘cool.’ There are so many reasons things are no longer ‘cool’ with us. I’ve known you for A WEEK and you’re trying to get me involved in some SUPER SHADY sounding nonsense?!

He told me that he could put me in touch with ‘his business partner’ and he would explain everything to me in better detail.

GagaStop

I’m done.  There will be no more dates with ‘the singer’ ‘the scammer’.

Ocho

I woke up the day after my 3 hour phone date giddy and sleep deprived. I had errands and homework to get done before meeting up with ‘the singer’ (that’s what we’ll call him for now), so I had to get moving. I multitasked like never before, and I was able to get everything done, pick out an outfit, and make it to our meet up spot 5 minutes early.

If you know me, you know this is no easy feat. 

Unfortunately, he was late. But he did text me to let me know. And since I’m usually the one who is late, I couldn’t complain. I walked around the nearby Gap so I didn’t freeze outside and waiting for him to show up. After getting a text that he was 5 minutes away, I felt like I was going to throw up. I was so nervous! I was mindlessly browsing through a clothing rack when I looked up and saw him looking at me from across the store also walking behind a clothing rack. It really was a movie moment. 

We walked to the restaurant together and after dinner we went to a bar in Union Square. The conversation flowed from the moment we said hello until the end of the night. The only thing that bothered me a bit was that he was on his phone a little bit too much for my liking. He apologized and said that since he owned his own business, he was always working and just had to respond to a couple of client emails quickly. Other than that he was a total gentlemen, he paid for everything, he held doors for me, we had great conversation, attraction…it was probably one of the best dates I’d had in a long time.

#7…for real this time

Over the past week and a half, I have gone on dates 7- 10. I also started my Master’s Program during that time, which is why I haven’t had time to sleep, let alone update my blog. My apologies….let me get you up to speed!

Date 7 wasn’t your typical date. It was actually a phone conversation…that lasted 3 hours.

No that wasn’t a typo.

3 hours….on the phone…with a guy….

I can’t remember the last time I was on the phone for 3 hours with someone! And not one moment was dull. No awkward silences, long pauses, or weird transitions into another topic. Just an easy conversation with someone I’d just met, that flowed as if we’d known each other for years.

Among other things, I found out that:

He’s 33

He’s not a fan of ‘dating’…he’s more of a relationship guy.

He’s on the same page as me when it comes to religion (it’s just not for him).

He’s a singer/songwriter who is signed to a label and has a few albums out and is trying to make a bigger name for himself (kind of a red flag in my opinion, but I’ll let that slide for now)

He owns his own financial consulting business

I’m not going to list everything we talked about…it was 3 hours after all. But we did make plans to meet up the next evening for dinner / drinks…

Dear OK Cupid….you suck.

I’m seriously considering deleting my OK Cupid account, once again. The guys on there are complete LAMES! They are either too young, too old…or WAY too creepy.

I have been messaging a bit with a guy over the past few days that I thought was kind of cute. He was a little on the young side for me (25) but he was pretty funny so I figured, what the hell.

The way he spoke came across very young…kind of ‘surfer boy’ ish. But again, I ignored it. I figured, at the very least, maybe we’d end up going on a fun date.

He noticed that my profile mentioned I was a producer and asked what I produced. When I told him what network I worked for and asked him what he does for a living, his response was:

Swaggggg. I love (insert network I work for here).

Then he went on to say that he was an accountant and is now studying for the CPA exam to get certified, which is ‘hella’ stressful. And that he mostly spends his time studying and (these are his exact words) “an occasional waiter shift to earn some weed money”

I can’t.

If this is any indication of what my dating life will be like in 2014…I’m going to be 40 before I get to my 30 date.